Field Trip to the Basement

What do you do when severe weather and tornados are imminent and you have four little babies with special needs?

This is what Kansas City looked like today at about 1pm

Photographed by Scott Cook. Photo taken from NBC Action News Weather Photo Gallery.

After the Joplin Tornado on Sunday in the southern part of the state, people in this area are a bit more aware of any impending severe weather. I’m already a little sensitive to it because I’m from New Mexico and didn’t grow up with this type of weather, so I tend to pay close attention to anything that looks like a severe thunderstorm. We heard that we were due for some severe weather last night so I started thinking through how that would work in our situation. Babies with oxygen and monitors make it a little harder to move around and requires a bit of planning.

So last night, I decided to pack a laundry basket with a couple of days of supplies just in case. Diapers, wipes, formula, extra onesies, blankets, water, and a set of bottles all went down to the basement. Sean helped me move it and a couple of Abby’s spare travel oxygen tanks down there as well. We watched the weather and nothing was severe enough to send us scurrying to shelter. I pretty much thought that would happen since we went to the trouble of getting a basket of baby supplies together, but at least we were prepared.

This morning I got up and went about the day as usual. I meant to get down to the basement to bring up the baby things and put them away but got distracted when I remembered that the Home Health nurses from Children’s Mercy Hospital were coming to assess the babies at 10:00am. Sean helped me get each baby undressed and diapered as we rotated through them to get weights. Carole, one of our wonderful helpers, took notes on the appointment so that Sean and I could focus on the babies. The good news is that all of the babies are gaining weight well and thriving here at home! Anyhow, just as we were finishing up, the tornado sirens started ringing off in our neighborhood. Were we supposed to have a tornado today?! Somehow, I missed that while watching the news last night! At first, I thought it was just the monthly test, but then Sean said that those were actual tornado sirens. I looked at the Home Health nurses, Jennifer and Ellen, and asked them if they would go to the basement with us. At first, they said they’d be fine, but then changed their minds as they realized that the weather was changing too fast. We quickly started unplugging monitors and oxygen, and began moving babies downstairs. It took a couple of trips, but we made it downstairs in short order.



At the same time that this was going on, we realized that Cheryl, another one of our helpers was on her way to our house in the storm. She had just called and said she was on her way right before the sirens started going off. We left the front door open so that she could make a beeline into the house when she got here. Thankfully, she showed up a few minutes later. I was so worried that she wouldn’t make it! Turns out that she drove right through the spot where a funnel cloud had been seen!

Meanwhile, Sean was watching the news on TV and they were saying that a tornado had been spotted just across the state line in Kansas…only about 10 minutes from our house…and it was moving right for us. Sean thought it would probably swing north and miss us, but after a few minutes, he came downstairs with the rest of us and said, “Okay, it will be here in about 15 minutes. And the mailman is parked outside so I left the front door unlocked for him in case he wants to come in.” Uh…the mailman is parked outside?! I ran up the stairs from the basement and threw open the front door, hoping he would look up and see me standing there. He looked up as I was debating whether or not to go out in the pouring rain and knock on his window. I frantically waved him inside. Whoa, that guy could move fast!

So here is a picture (yes, I thought ahead and grabbed my camera!) of everyone who crowded in our basement to wait out the tornados:

Cheryl and Caleb, Jennifer, Carole, Ellen and Ellie, Sean and his bagel, and Frazier the Mailman (the other two babies are next to Cheryl in the laundry room)

It was actually pretty funny! We had two nurses who were charting, four babies who were past their scheduled feeding time, Sean eating a bagel, and a soaking wet mailman! Seven adults and a set of quadruplets! Hehe!

Frazier narrated what was happening outside for us while listening to his weather radio. Happily, the dangerous clouds passed over us and continue on their way, but it was an adrenaline rush!

So apparently we have a good tornado plan in place! Next time, though, I’d love to skip the part with the monitors and oxygen. I’m so happy that everyone on the road made it in safely and that we didn’t have any damage, but I still feel really bad for the folks in Sedalia who lost homes in the storms today and also for those down in Joplin who will be rebuilding their lives for months to come.

--Posted by Becca

What do you do when severe weather and tornados are imminent and you have four little babies with special needs?

This is what Kansas City looked like today at about 1pm

Photographed by Scott Cook. Photo taken from NBC Action News Weather Photo Gallery.

After the Joplin Tornado on Sunday in the southern part of the state, people in this area are a bit more aware of any impending severe weather. I’m already a little sensitive to it because I’m from New Mexico and didn’t grow up with this type of weather, so I tend to pay close attention to anything that looks like a severe thunderstorm. We heard that we were due for some severe weather last night so I started thinking through how that would work in our situation. Babies with oxygen and monitors make it a little harder to move around and requires a bit of planning.

So last night, I decided to pack a laundry basket with a couple of days of supplies just in case. Diapers, wipes, formula, extra onesies, blankets, water, and a set of bottles all went down to the basement. Sean helped me move it and a couple of Abby’s spare travel oxygen tanks down there as well. We watched the weather and nothing was severe enough to send us scurrying to shelter. I pretty much thought that would happen since we went to the trouble of getting a basket of baby supplies together, but at least we were prepared.

This morning I got up and went about the day as usual. I meant to get down to the basement to bring up the baby things and put them away but got distracted when I remembered that the Home Health nurses from Children’s Mercy Hospital were coming to assess the babies at 10:00am. Sean helped me get each baby undressed and diapered as we rotated through them to get weights. Carole, one of our wonderful helpers, took notes on the appointment so that Sean and I could focus on the babies. The good news is that all of the babies are gaining weight well and thriving here at home! Anyhow, just as we were finishing up, the tornado sirens started ringing off in our neighborhood. Were we supposed to have a tornado today?! Somehow, I missed that while watching the news last night! At first, I thought it was just the monthly test, but then Sean said that those were actual tornado sirens. I looked at the Home Health nurses, Jennifer and Ellen, and asked them if they would go to the basement with us. At first, they said they’d be fine, but then changed their minds as they realized that the weather was changing too fast. We quickly started unplugging monitors and oxygen, and began moving babies downstairs. It took a couple of trips, but we made it downstairs in short order.



At the same time that this was going on, we realized that Cheryl, another one of our helpers was on her way to our house in the storm. She had just called and said she was on her way right before the sirens started going off. We left the front door open so that she could make a beeline into the house when she got here. Thankfully, she showed up a few minutes later. I was so worried that she wouldn’t make it! Turns out that she drove right through the spot where a funnel cloud had been seen!

Meanwhile, Sean was watching the news on TV and they were saying that a tornado had been spotted just across the state line in Kansas…only about 10 minutes from our house…and it was moving right for us. Sean thought it would probably swing north and miss us, but after a few minutes, he came downstairs with the rest of us and said, “Okay, it will be here in about 15 minutes. And the mailman is parked outside so I left the front door unlocked for him in case he wants to come in.” Uh…the mailman is parked outside?! I ran up the stairs from the basement and threw open the front door, hoping he would look up and see me standing there. He looked up as I was debating whether or not to go out in the pouring rain and knock on his window. I frantically waved him inside. Whoa, that guy could move fast!

So here is a picture (yes, I thought ahead and grabbed my camera!) of everyone who crowded in our basement to wait out the tornados:

Cheryl and Caleb, Jennifer, Carole, Ellen and Ellie, Sean and his bagel, and Frazier the Mailman (the other two babies are next to Cheryl in the laundry room)

It was actually pretty funny! We had two nurses who were charting, four babies who were past their scheduled feeding time, Sean eating a bagel, and a soaking wet mailman! Seven adults and a set of quadruplets! Hehe!

Frazier narrated what was happening outside for us while listening to his weather radio. Happily, the dangerous clouds passed over us and continue on their way, but it was an adrenaline rush!

So apparently we have a good tornado plan in place! Next time, though, I’d love to skip the part with the monitors and oxygen. I’m so happy that everyone on the road made it in safely and that we didn’t have any damage, but I still feel really bad for the folks in Sedalia who lost homes in the storms today and also for those down in Joplin who will be rebuilding their lives for months to come.

--Posted by Becca

What a Journey to be Experiencing!

Life is CRAZY busy! With all four kids at home, we are in survival mode now. It’s tiring, but so far, so good. We ended up bringing Elijah home on Sunday, Abby and Ellie on Tuesday, and Caleb on Thursday (yesterday). We went from zero to four kids at home in five days. Oh. My. Word! We have hardly had half a minute to check our email or blog, but we really did want to make sure that we got a few pictures up. :-)

Sean and I went to get Elijah together on Sunday. One of the scariest moments in my entire life was walking down that corridor to go get him. How would they know if we would do a good job when he got home?! Were they really going to let us walk out of there unsupervised without him? Did we watch them enough to be able to do everything for him by ourselves at home? Apparently, they decided we qualified, because they wished us well and wheeled us out the door.

Elijah’s Homecoming

Sean, Eli, and I went back two days later and picked up the girls. Going from one baby to three is a huge adjustment!

Abby and Ellie’s Homecoming

And then yesterday, I went back to get Caleb by myself. Sean held down the fort at home with the other three and Aunt Ruby. It turns out that going from three infants to four infants is not nearly as jolting as going from one to three.

Caleb’s Homecoming

Pictured are Michelle and Martha, two amazing nurses and now friends from the NICU.

It was so bittersweet to leave the NICU behind. We were ready to put our family back together (and save on gas!), but we made some wonderful friends with some really fabulous nurses. I would list them all but I’m sure to miss someone and just don’t want to take the risk. If you are a Saint Luke’s NICU nurse, nurse practitioner, doctor, or respiratory therapist and read this, please know that you have really touched our lives and are so special to us! I was literally choking back tears as I left the hospital last night. We hope some of you will come visit us at some point!

Now a few shots of life at the Ishum Home! We moved two of our cribs to our living room temporarily until the babies come off of their monitors and oxygen. So we are having our first family campouts right now!

 The boys' crib.

Daddy and the boys

The girls

Our kitchen set up: Feeding plans and formula directions posted on the cabinets, bottle supplies and thickener on the counter, and a crockpot to heat four bottles up at once!

We are so grateful to those of you who are helping us with meals and baby care! This is an incredibly heavy load for us, even while we are so in love with our kids. Thank you for helping us carry our load for awhile until we find our feet. We've also received emails from some of you who wish you could help, but aren't in a place in life where that can happen right now. We'd like to thank you also for wanting to help us, praying for us, and encouraging us through your emails and comments on the blog. They say it takes a villiage to raise a child. Thanks to all of you for being the villiage to help us raise our children. We can't wait to tell them all about the people who have loved them from before they were even born!

We have every intention of keeping our blog going with pictures and stories of the kids. It might be a little slow here for a couple of weeks until we get our routine down, but we appreciate the prayers that are continuing to be sent our way and the love that is being poured out on our little family from across the United States and even in some foreign countries.

What a journey to be experiencing! I look at my kids and can hardly believe that they are finally home!

--Posted by Rebecca

Life is CRAZY busy! With all four kids at home, we are in survival mode now. It’s tiring, but so far, so good. We ended up bringing Elijah home on Sunday, Abby and Ellie on Tuesday, and Caleb on Thursday (yesterday). We went from zero to four kids at home in five days. Oh. My. Word! We have hardly had half a minute to check our email or blog, but we really did want to make sure that we got a few pictures up. :-)

Sean and I went to get Elijah together on Sunday. One of the scariest moments in my entire life was walking down that corridor to go get him. How would they know if we would do a good job when he got home?! Were they really going to let us walk out of there unsupervised without him? Did we watch them enough to be able to do everything for him by ourselves at home? Apparently, they decided we qualified, because they wished us well and wheeled us out the door.

Elijah’s Homecoming

Sean, Eli, and I went back two days later and picked up the girls. Going from one baby to three is a huge adjustment!

Abby and Ellie’s Homecoming

And then yesterday, I went back to get Caleb by myself. Sean held down the fort at home with the other three and Aunt Ruby. It turns out that going from three infants to four infants is not nearly as jolting as going from one to three.

Caleb’s Homecoming

Pictured are Michelle and Martha, two amazing nurses and now friends from the NICU.

It was so bittersweet to leave the NICU behind. We were ready to put our family back together (and save on gas!), but we made some wonderful friends with some really fabulous nurses. I would list them all but I’m sure to miss someone and just don’t want to take the risk. If you are a Saint Luke’s NICU nurse, nurse practitioner, doctor, or respiratory therapist and read this, please know that you have really touched our lives and are so special to us! I was literally choking back tears as I left the hospital last night. We hope some of you will come visit us at some point!

Now a few shots of life at the Ishum Home! We moved two of our cribs to our living room temporarily until the babies come off of their monitors and oxygen. So we are having our first family campouts right now!

 The boys' crib.

Daddy and the boys

The girls

Our kitchen set up: Feeding plans and formula directions posted on the cabinets, bottle supplies and thickener on the counter, and a crockpot to heat four bottles up at once!

We are so grateful to those of you who are helping us with meals and baby care! This is an incredibly heavy load for us, even while we are so in love with our kids. Thank you for helping us carry our load for awhile until we find our feet. We've also received emails from some of you who wish you could help, but aren't in a place in life where that can happen right now. We'd like to thank you also for wanting to help us, praying for us, and encouraging us through your emails and comments on the blog. They say it takes a villiage to raise a child. Thanks to all of you for being the villiage to help us raise our children. We can't wait to tell them all about the people who have loved them from before they were even born!

We have every intention of keeping our blog going with pictures and stories of the kids. It might be a little slow here for a couple of weeks until we get our routine down, but we appreciate the prayers that are continuing to be sent our way and the love that is being poured out on our little family from across the United States and even in some foreign countries.

What a journey to be experiencing! I look at my kids and can hardly believe that they are finally home!

--Posted by Rebecca

Due Date

Today was the due date of our babies:  Caleb Sean, Abigail Rose, Elijah James, and Elizabeth Grace.   They came into this world on February 23rd.   It has been a road both rough and blessed.   As of today, the final one, Caleb made it home.  

Now we start a new journey. 

Many thanks to the doctors and nurses who cared for our babies, put up with me when I was tired and cranky, and loved my wife for being the radiant blessing of God that she is.   Thank you to the friends and family for all of the big and little things that you have done to help us out along the way.   It's been an amazing journey to fatherhood and I am really blessed to have my wife be the mother of our kids.  

There will be pictures forth coming.  right now we are trying to keep up with feedings, sleep, and getting some type of organization down.  

Much love to all

Sean & Rebecca Ishum

posted by Sean

Today was the due date of our babies:  Caleb Sean, Abigail Rose, Elijah James, and Elizabeth Grace.   They came into this world on February 23rd.   It has been a road both rough and blessed.   As of today, the final one, Caleb made it home.  

Now we start a new journey. 

Many thanks to the doctors and nurses who cared for our babies, put up with me when I was tired and cranky, and loved my wife for being the radiant blessing of God that she is.   Thank you to the friends and family for all of the big and little things that you have done to help us out along the way.   It's been an amazing journey to fatherhood and I am really blessed to have my wife be the mother of our kids.  

There will be pictures forth coming.  right now we are trying to keep up with feedings, sleep, and getting some type of organization down.  

Much love to all

Sean & Rebecca Ishum

posted by Sean

Ready, Set....Home.

The kids have gotten so big over the last couple of weeks! Caleb, Abby, and Elijah are all the size of full term babies now, and Ellie is trying her best to catch up:

Caleb: 6lbs. 11 oz.

Abby: 6 lbs. 7 oz.

Elijah: 6lbs. 7 oz.

Ellie: 4lbs. 11oz.

We have spent the last few days trying to figure out their feeding plans for when they come home. It’s extremely confusing, even for the hospital staff. Caleb and Abby both had Video Swallow Grams last week to see if maybe they needed their food thickened to cut down on the number of alarms and stem that they needed. Although they both passed it, clinically, the occupational therapist decided that they need thickener added to their food. Caleb has done extremely well with the change, and isn’t turning blue during feedings anymore! Abby, on the other hand, is still really struggling to eat. She just hasn’t done as well as her siblings. I think her feeding plan needs to be tweaked a bit more.

Elijah had a Video Swallow Gram on Tuesday and completely failed it. That sounds bad, but it’s actually a good thing. Now we know why the boy has been turning blue on us when we try to feed him. He has been aspirating his milk/formula. Now his formula is thickened to the consistency of honey, and he has drastically improved. He hasn’t turned blue while eating either. Thank goodness, because he was really freaking me out.

Ellie is a little eating machine! She didn’t need a Video Swallow Gram because she’s always done quite well with eating. She is still eating slightly thickened food since their formula comes that way, so that’s helping her get it down even faster. Now, if we can just get some of that food to stick to her little frame. J

The really hard part of this week for me has been the news that I can’t nurse the kids any longer. Due to their reactions on thin liquids, it’s just too dangerous to try to continue it. After working so hard for almost 3 months, it’s really difficult to just give it up. I feel like I’ve given up so much: a normal pregnancy, a normal delivery, a normal start to motherhood. Now I can’t even breastfeed my kids. I had no idea it would be this disappointing. I considered it a privilege and a bonding experience, and now it’s gone. I know there are other ways to bond, but in this moment, it’s just really hard. However, what I want obviously is not as important as what is best for the babies. There is a grieving process that goes along with losing some of these things. I’ve started the process to wean myself using the pump. I can’t physically pump and feed this many kids every 3 hours, so we decided that they had breast milk for the 3 most important months of their lives, and now it’s time to just let them have formula.

However, the good things that I need to keep in mind are that we have four beautiful babies that are breathing, feedings will go faster with everyone on formula (15-20 minutes per baby, rather than 45 minutes per baby), and I get to have a couple of full nights of sleep before they start coming home! I must admit, the sleep thing is really exciting, and I intend to FULLY enjoy them before the babies come home.

Yesterday, we had our Discharge Conference with the babies’ care team. Things are starting to come together very rapidly, and we needed to get the final list of what happens between now and discharge. For a couple of the kids, there are a few last things such as hearing screens, car seat tests, etc. and then they will be ready. We followed that conference up with Monitor Training, so that we know how to troubleshoot things when the alarms start blaring.

We also set up our rooming in dates. Tomorrow, we will head to the hospital and start a 24 hour cycle of us doing everything for the kids just as if they were home. The hospital is giving us a room down the hall that we can sleep in between feedings. So every 3 hours, we will walk to the NICU, each mix the food for and feed two kids, and then try to catch a little more sleep before the next round. (Thanks to my brother for watching the house while we are doing that!)

With all of that being said, next week is going to be a BIG week for us. As it stands now, if everything goes according to plan and no issues come up:

Ellie is coming home on Sunday.

Elijah is coming home on Monday.

Caleb is coming home on Wednesday.

(We don’t have a discharge date for Abby yet.)

We are excited, anxious, and a bit overwhelmed knowing that we could quite possibly have three babies home in less than a week. Yikes! We could still use some more help, so if any of you are at all interested, please let us know. I think I can handle two, but beginning with three, I’ll need an extra set of hands. We know that it’s possible the dates could be pushed back for them as has already happened a couple of times, but we are almost 100% sure that we will have at least Ellie and Elijah coming home.

Your prayers are needed now more than ever as we need to adjust very rapidly to our new lives. Thanks for keeping us before the throne over the next few days while we finally start putting our family together!

--Posted by Rebecca

The kids have gotten so big over the last couple of weeks! Caleb, Abby, and Elijah are all the size of full term babies now, and Ellie is trying her best to catch up:

Caleb: 6lbs. 11 oz.

Abby: 6 lbs. 7 oz.

Elijah: 6lbs. 7 oz.

Ellie: 4lbs. 11oz.

We have spent the last few days trying to figure out their feeding plans for when they come home. It’s extremely confusing, even for the hospital staff. Caleb and Abby both had Video Swallow Grams last week to see if maybe they needed their food thickened to cut down on the number of alarms and stem that they needed. Although they both passed it, clinically, the occupational therapist decided that they need thickener added to their food. Caleb has done extremely well with the change, and isn’t turning blue during feedings anymore! Abby, on the other hand, is still really struggling to eat. She just hasn’t done as well as her siblings. I think her feeding plan needs to be tweaked a bit more.

Elijah had a Video Swallow Gram on Tuesday and completely failed it. That sounds bad, but it’s actually a good thing. Now we know why the boy has been turning blue on us when we try to feed him. He has been aspirating his milk/formula. Now his formula is thickened to the consistency of honey, and he has drastically improved. He hasn’t turned blue while eating either. Thank goodness, because he was really freaking me out.

Ellie is a little eating machine! She didn’t need a Video Swallow Gram because she’s always done quite well with eating. She is still eating slightly thickened food since their formula comes that way, so that’s helping her get it down even faster. Now, if we can just get some of that food to stick to her little frame. J

The really hard part of this week for me has been the news that I can’t nurse the kids any longer. Due to their reactions on thin liquids, it’s just too dangerous to try to continue it. After working so hard for almost 3 months, it’s really difficult to just give it up. I feel like I’ve given up so much: a normal pregnancy, a normal delivery, a normal start to motherhood. Now I can’t even breastfeed my kids. I had no idea it would be this disappointing. I considered it a privilege and a bonding experience, and now it’s gone. I know there are other ways to bond, but in this moment, it’s just really hard. However, what I want obviously is not as important as what is best for the babies. There is a grieving process that goes along with losing some of these things. I’ve started the process to wean myself using the pump. I can’t physically pump and feed this many kids every 3 hours, so we decided that they had breast milk for the 3 most important months of their lives, and now it’s time to just let them have formula.

However, the good things that I need to keep in mind are that we have four beautiful babies that are breathing, feedings will go faster with everyone on formula (15-20 minutes per baby, rather than 45 minutes per baby), and I get to have a couple of full nights of sleep before they start coming home! I must admit, the sleep thing is really exciting, and I intend to FULLY enjoy them before the babies come home.

Yesterday, we had our Discharge Conference with the babies’ care team. Things are starting to come together very rapidly, and we needed to get the final list of what happens between now and discharge. For a couple of the kids, there are a few last things such as hearing screens, car seat tests, etc. and then they will be ready. We followed that conference up with Monitor Training, so that we know how to troubleshoot things when the alarms start blaring.

We also set up our rooming in dates. Tomorrow, we will head to the hospital and start a 24 hour cycle of us doing everything for the kids just as if they were home. The hospital is giving us a room down the hall that we can sleep in between feedings. So every 3 hours, we will walk to the NICU, each mix the food for and feed two kids, and then try to catch a little more sleep before the next round. (Thanks to my brother for watching the house while we are doing that!)

With all of that being said, next week is going to be a BIG week for us. As it stands now, if everything goes according to plan and no issues come up:

Ellie is coming home on Sunday.

Elijah is coming home on Monday.

Caleb is coming home on Wednesday.

(We don’t have a discharge date for Abby yet.)

We are excited, anxious, and a bit overwhelmed knowing that we could quite possibly have three babies home in less than a week. Yikes! We could still use some more help, so if any of you are at all interested, please let us know. I think I can handle two, but beginning with three, I’ll need an extra set of hands. We know that it’s possible the dates could be pushed back for them as has already happened a couple of times, but we are almost 100% sure that we will have at least Ellie and Elijah coming home.

Your prayers are needed now more than ever as we need to adjust very rapidly to our new lives. Thanks for keeping us before the throne over the next few days while we finally start putting our family together!

--Posted by Rebecca

Being Real

Some days I wonder if it’s ever going to get to point where I don’t wonder if my kids are going to keep breathing on their own?

 *****

I have had an incredibly rough week. Some of it is directly related to the babies, and some of it is weeks of living at the NICU building up and overwhelming me. I had a complete nervous breakdown at the hospital on Wednesday afternoon that was the culmination of several days of trying to hold myself together. We have become very good friends with some of the nurses, and Cathy caught me trying to bug out of there in an emotionally frazzled state. I ended up just dumping everything on her. Like I said, some nurses have become wonderful friends (and I could type out a whole list of these wonderful women!)

It was decided that I should probably go see my doctor to talk about getting something to help me though the next few months. Yesterday, I went back to the midwife who found our quadruplets originally, and we talked about where I was emotionally with everything that we are dealing with. While we both don’t want me on medicine long term, we decided that for the next three months, I would use Zoloft to help with the anxiety and possible little bit of depression that I’m dealing with. I definitely do not have full-blown postpartum depression, but the anxiety has become more than I can handle by myself. Why am I throwing all of this out there? Because I think that anxiety and depression medications can have a bad rap in some Christian circles, and I think that’s incredibly sad. Consider this my little way of trying to help bring to light some of the problems that Christian women have to deal with. Tangent. Anyhow, I’m grateful for the help that the medication will provide so that hopefully I can sleep a little better at night and not drive myself crazy during the day.

That was yesterday morning. Pretty good timing considering what happened last night:

Elijah had another nasty episode while we were at the hospital. I was nursing the poor little guy and he quit breathing again. He has been doing so well, that for the last couple of days, we’ve been taking him off of his monitors so that he could nurse without wires pulling on him. I’m SO glad that I kept a close eye on him. By the time I realized that something was wrong, he was that horrible ashen grey color. I pulled him upright as quickly as I could and started pounding on his back but his tongue literally just rolled out of his mouth and his arms flopped at his sides. Thankfully, Martha, his nurse (and another good friend!), was still in the room. She ran over as quickly as she could and began trying to get him to breathe again. Unlike the last time he did this (which wasn’t nearly as bad), she couldn’t get him to inhale. She put him back in his crib and used a bag and mask on him, but he still wasn’t doing anything. She started going for the “Staff Assist” button, but I got there first and pushed it. Within about 15 seconds, Dr. Anderson (neonatologist), Paul (respiratory therapist), and the charge nurse were at his bedside trying to get him to come back. As soon as someone was there to take my place at Elijah’s crib, I stepped back into the corner to be out of the way and give in to the tears. It took a little longer, but Paul finally got him to give a gasp and a single wail and then his color started to come back.

I do pretty well in a crisis situation until it’s either over or someone can take my place, but I shouldn’t have to watch my kids do this. I HATE this. I HATE THIS SO MUCH! I can’t even nurse my kids without wondering if they are going to crap out on me. Obviously, when they come home, they are staying on those monitors 24/7.

Today, I took the day off from the hospital. I just needed a break, but all I’ve been able to think about are my kids. I don’t know how long Elijah wasn’t breathing before he started again, and that scares me. It couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity. With the events of the last two weeks and the awful episodes that the boys have had, I can’t help but wonder if the hospital is going to send them home and then they are going to die on my watch. The neonatologists have promised over and over that they are not going to send them home until they are past this, but we are in a perpetual state of “they are coming home in the next 1-2 weeks.” What if they behave themselves for a week, come home, and then act up again?

I’m in a low place today. It’s one filled with anxiety, fear, and tears. I don’t want to watch anymore of these episodes. It’s too hard to see my kids like this!

But then I remember that my kids are relatively healthy and we are blessed to have four kids who are alive and have extremely good odds of living. Not every quad mama can claim all of that. There is such a sharp faith learning curve that Sean and I are experiencing. And sometimes it is so incredibly painful and exhausting. Somedays, I just don’t feel up to the task of taking care of my kids or even trusting God to watch over their need to breathe.

I don’t think that makes me a bad Christian. I think that makes me a real Christian. Transparency can be uncomfortable, but there it is.

--Posted by Rebecca

Some days I wonder if it’s ever going to get to point where I don’t wonder if my kids are going to keep breathing on their own?

 *****

I have had an incredibly rough week. Some of it is directly related to the babies, and some of it is weeks of living at the NICU building up and overwhelming me. I had a complete nervous breakdown at the hospital on Wednesday afternoon that was the culmination of several days of trying to hold myself together. We have become very good friends with some of the nurses, and Cathy caught me trying to bug out of there in an emotionally frazzled state. I ended up just dumping everything on her. Like I said, some nurses have become wonderful friends (and I could type out a whole list of these wonderful women!)

It was decided that I should probably go see my doctor to talk about getting something to help me though the next few months. Yesterday, I went back to the midwife who found our quadruplets originally, and we talked about where I was emotionally with everything that we are dealing with. While we both don’t want me on medicine long term, we decided that for the next three months, I would use Zoloft to help with the anxiety and possible little bit of depression that I’m dealing with. I definitely do not have full-blown postpartum depression, but the anxiety has become more than I can handle by myself. Why am I throwing all of this out there? Because I think that anxiety and depression medications can have a bad rap in some Christian circles, and I think that’s incredibly sad. Consider this my little way of trying to help bring to light some of the problems that Christian women have to deal with. Tangent. Anyhow, I’m grateful for the help that the medication will provide so that hopefully I can sleep a little better at night and not drive myself crazy during the day.

That was yesterday morning. Pretty good timing considering what happened last night:

Elijah had another nasty episode while we were at the hospital. I was nursing the poor little guy and he quit breathing again. He has been doing so well, that for the last couple of days, we’ve been taking him off of his monitors so that he could nurse without wires pulling on him. I’m SO glad that I kept a close eye on him. By the time I realized that something was wrong, he was that horrible ashen grey color. I pulled him upright as quickly as I could and started pounding on his back but his tongue literally just rolled out of his mouth and his arms flopped at his sides. Thankfully, Martha, his nurse (and another good friend!), was still in the room. She ran over as quickly as she could and began trying to get him to breathe again. Unlike the last time he did this (which wasn’t nearly as bad), she couldn’t get him to inhale. She put him back in his crib and used a bag and mask on him, but he still wasn’t doing anything. She started going for the “Staff Assist” button, but I got there first and pushed it. Within about 15 seconds, Dr. Anderson (neonatologist), Paul (respiratory therapist), and the charge nurse were at his bedside trying to get him to come back. As soon as someone was there to take my place at Elijah’s crib, I stepped back into the corner to be out of the way and give in to the tears. It took a little longer, but Paul finally got him to give a gasp and a single wail and then his color started to come back.

I do pretty well in a crisis situation until it’s either over or someone can take my place, but I shouldn’t have to watch my kids do this. I HATE this. I HATE THIS SO MUCH! I can’t even nurse my kids without wondering if they are going to crap out on me. Obviously, when they come home, they are staying on those monitors 24/7.

Today, I took the day off from the hospital. I just needed a break, but all I’ve been able to think about are my kids. I don’t know how long Elijah wasn’t breathing before he started again, and that scares me. It couldn’t have been more than a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity. With the events of the last two weeks and the awful episodes that the boys have had, I can’t help but wonder if the hospital is going to send them home and then they are going to die on my watch. The neonatologists have promised over and over that they are not going to send them home until they are past this, but we are in a perpetual state of “they are coming home in the next 1-2 weeks.” What if they behave themselves for a week, come home, and then act up again?

I’m in a low place today. It’s one filled with anxiety, fear, and tears. I don’t want to watch anymore of these episodes. It’s too hard to see my kids like this!

But then I remember that my kids are relatively healthy and we are blessed to have four kids who are alive and have extremely good odds of living. Not every quad mama can claim all of that. There is such a sharp faith learning curve that Sean and I are experiencing. And sometimes it is so incredibly painful and exhausting. Somedays, I just don’t feel up to the task of taking care of my kids or even trusting God to watch over their need to breathe.

I don’t think that makes me a bad Christian. I think that makes me a real Christian. Transparency can be uncomfortable, but there it is.

--Posted by Rebecca