Monday, January 17, 2011

The Private Thoughts of a Pregnant Quad Mom

I generally try to keep my posts pretty upbeat and positive even if I’m not feeling that way. If you go back through our posts, it’s normally Sean who blogs about what he’s thinking or about how I’m really feeling. I think subconsciously I’ve thought that people want to read only happy things. All of the positives, none of the negatives. Maybe I’m wrong? Well, I’ve decided to take a little different approach to this post than how I normally write.

It’s really different being home. It’s given me a lot of time to think.

I’ve made it through two weeks of “not working” at this point. The first week was really, really rough. One of my coworkers used to say to me on a fairly regular basis that I acted like I wasn’t pregnant at all. Oh my word. It turns out that I was living in a very real world of complete denial. I knew that I was to a certain extent, but didn’t know how bad it was until I found myself at home with my just my thoughts all day. It really was like finding out all over again that I am pregnant with quadruplets. I’m sure that poor Sean thought that I was starting to go crazy with the number of tears I shed. In hindsight, I think I figured that as long as I was working, this whole quadruplet thing couldn’t possibly be happening to me. Guess what? I can’t escape it anymore. In two weeks, the babies will be viable outside the womb. In six weeks, I’ll have reached average gestation. We are winding up this pregnancy with a speed that positively freaks me out.

I still fight the feeling of how unfair this is somedays. It’s not as bad or as often as when we first found out that we are having quads, but it’s still there sometimes. We wanted a baby. We couldn’t have one. We were told there was no history of multiples on the drug I took. And we ended up with four babies. How is that fair? Those thoughts quickly turn into anger at God for letting this happen to us, and then resentment that I don’t get to have that perfect singleton pregnancy I always imagined where I don’t have to worry about whether my child’s lungs will be developed enough that they can survive outside the womb. Of course, all of that is immediately followed by guilt for not feeling 100% happy and excited all of the time that we get to have four babies and wondering if I’m already a terrible mother for even thinking those things. I managed to let a good chunk of these emotions go toward the end of the first trimester, but I’ve had to reprocess a lot of them again since being home.

It’s also extremely hard to watch my body change so quickly. I know I’m not the only woman who struggles with the new figure they sport during pregnancy, but at least singleton moms get to watch it change a little more slowly to a slightly smaller size. The fact that I would even waste any brain cells on how I look at this point in my life probably qualifies me as a little bit selfish, but it’s really hard watching my body change so fast to accommodate four babies…and then know that I’m going to get much, much bigger.

And it really bothers me that my wedding ring doesn’t fit anymore.

So there you have it. The nitty-gritty thoughts that I don’t let very many people see. I probably sound like I’m as depressed as I can get right now, but I’m actually doing pretty well. These are just the things that I’ve dealt with and still deal with somedays as I try to get ready for these little people to show up. It’s a snapshot, if you will, of some of the inner brain workings of a pregnant quad mom.

Okay, I think I’ll wrap this post up for now. I imagine the next one will be back to my usual style. :-) I have another doctor appointment this week, so I’ll be posting about that later on. Here’s hoping that they let me keep wandering around like I’ve been doing rather than putting me on bed rest.

22 Weeks

(I'm not sure why the photo came out a bit blurry this time)

--posted by Becca


  1. I, for one, appreciate your honesty. I don't think these thoughts make you a bad mom at all. You are a lady with a lot to deal with. I have known many moms who struggles with some of these feelings when they were only carrying onw child. I can say that I felt overwhelmed and wondered if my life would ever be normal again.
    I know you know this, but you are a godly lady that is blessed. Hang in there and know that you are uplifted in prayer.

  2. Hey Becca!

    I am praying for you in this time. I know I am the LAST person who knows what this is like, but hang in there and let me know what you need =)


  3. I have to say look ADORABLE!!! Oh my word, you are beautiful! I also appreciate your honesty and I think that is one more reason why you will be an AWESOME mom!!! What a testimony to your children. You know first hand that, yeah it kinda sucks when your plans and God's plans some how don't line up! Though, I must say, the holy spirit just oozes (can you use holy spirit and ooze in the same sentence?) out of you. Keep doing what you're doing, girl! You simply amaze me!!


  4. I've wondered how you have maintained such a positive attitude. Comparing you to Mother Theresa has come to mind several times. I still think you're a saint Becca, but I am so relieved to see that you have the feelings of any other pregnant woman! From the time I became pregnant with our child at 42 to the day she was born, I feared loss and worried continually about missing limbs, etc. I guess that's every mother's nightmares. I appreciate your honesty, and just plain "being real". I think you are an amazing woman and even though this isn't the dream pregnancy you were expecting, you've gotta know that it's the pregnancy that God had you destined for. We all love you, and think you are going to do just fine!!!

  5. I constantly worried about my unborn daughter. Would i love her if she had a disability? Would i ever get free time? These are normal thoughts. Dont worry. You are doing great!

  6. Rebecca, you are AMAZING girl! God has everything worked out for you guys! Luvs ya! ;-)

  7. Thanks sweetie for sharing your heart. Lots of the above reactions are a big "ditto" ... you are doing so great!! I just keep thinking what an emotional wreck I was with one in the basket... your body and mind (and soul-searching) is under intense pressure.. stay your sweet honest lovable self!! You're doing a wonderful job of dealing with reality...and that's a big part of the whole picture..... picture btw is again fabulous!! You are beautiful!!

  8. Rebecca,
    You are doing wonderful and all of those emotions are expected. I remember just having one child and still going through those emotions. You look absolutely wonderful. The babies will be strong and healthy because they have great parents to take care of them. I'm sure being at home is boring and scary. If you haven't started, try doing scrap booking projects about the process for the babies to see when they get big, or start working on their first year books. Good luck and my prayers are with you.

  9. Thank you for sharing your truth. You're only all the more human for feelling the things you have so well described.

    Let's see, how did that crazy TV theme-song go? You take the good, you take the bad; you take them both, and there you have... the Facts of Life? (At least it was not Sean singing. NOBODY needs that!)

    Keep it real. :)

  10. Thanks so much for sharing your heart, Rebecca. I think there's just as much transformation that goes on in a pregnant woman's brain as there is in her body. It's all part of becoming a mother. I'm glad you're getting the time and solitude to explore your thoughts. We love you!

  11. I agree with the other posts, it is time you saw the reality of the situation, but God does not give you more than you can handle, WITH HIS HELP. So many people leave out that last part of the quote. God wants to hear you ask for help, and He gives it. And you are having the normal doubts and fears associated with any pregnancy. Get busy and do something, pray the prayer list from church, knit or crochet chemo hats, clean out a drawer you can sit down to do. Just relax. You are doing fine.

    your cyber pal, Paula

  12. Beccah - Thanks for letting us in to your heart - it helps us know what to pray and to understand a little of the fears and emotions you battle daily.

    We love you and know that the Lord will provide - He has never once forgotten to be faithful.

    One of my favorite poems is "The Gate of the Year" by British poet Minnie Haskins:

    And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year:

    "Give me a light, that I may tread safely into the unknown!"

    And he replied:

    "Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God.

    That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way."

    So, I went forth, and finding the Hand of God, trod gladly into the night

    And He led me toward the hills and the breaking of day in the lone East.

    So, heart, be still!

    What need our little life,

    Our human life, to know,

    If God hath comprehension?

    In all the dizzy strife

    Of things both high and low

    God hideth His intention.

    God knows. His will

    Is best. The stretch of years

    Which wind ahead, so dim

    To our imperfect vision,

    Are clear to God. Our fears

    Are premature. In Him

    All time hath full provision.

    Then rest; until

    God moves to lift the veil

    From our impatient eyes,

    When, as the sweeter features

    Of life's stern face we hail,

    Fair beyond all surmise,

    God's thought around His creatures

    Our minds shall fill.

    I love you, but He loves you more.

  13. I just wanted you to know how you've blessed me this morning by being so transparent! It's so much easier to have grace with ourselves when we know that we aren't the only Christians who struggle with reality! Praying for all 6 of you!

  14. 1.) The pic is blurry b/c that's your pregnancy glow showing through...or maybe that's just what you should tell yourself!

    2.) It's okay to have real, hard-core and even angry emotions about this. It's okay to be upset! Nobody is going to blame you for being a bit bummed out and nobody is going to hold it against you! Very few people have gone through what you are going through and nobody knows what it's like! Let it out, Girl! Everything can't always be shiny and rose-tinted, that's what makes us human! Just remeber for every negative, there are 1,000 positives! You will have a level head on your shoulders and a good man by your side! Just remember, at the end of the day, you are going to be fine! :)

    And finally
    3.) You're wonderful! Remember that!

  15. I am so very proud of you my sweet girl.

  16. Rebecca I have always admired your strength, your faith, and your honesty. Reading this last post and seeing how all three of these character traits were displayed it only made me admire you more. You are an inspiration Rebecca, I have two children and you haven't even given birth yet but I find myself looking to you for encouragement. If there is anyone that is suited to be the mother of multiples it is you, and it is because of your strength, faith, and honesty. Thank you for allowing us in to your inner most thoughts, it is much appreciated and it is cathartic for not just you, but also for those of us who are blessed to read your updates. Lots of love to you, Sean, and the four amazing babies who have the honor of calling you mama, xoxo.

  17. Not that I know from personal experience but some things every woman knows!! Our heart wants different things than our minds and somehow we have to get them both in sync!! All the platitudes won't help you get through but God will. HE has a plan and it's not always our plan but it's comforting in times like these that there is a plan. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't experience times of doubt and soul searching but it's coming back to realize that we know the ONE who has all the answers. Just keep on keeping on and we will keep on praying for all of you!!

  18. You don't know me but my mother goes to your church. I wanted to say that I admire your strength. I have had one child and it was HARD. Don't even get me started talking about morning sickness! I can't imagine 4! All the things you are thinking are normal- even with one. Keep the posts coming. I love to read them and I love your honesty.

  19. Rebecca, You reminded me of what a wonder pregnancy and the whole baby thing was, to me the first time around. I am proud to say I just saw that "baby" become someone's husband! Your observations took me back to that time of innocent amazement at the changes, and the mood swings, and so forth. God is watching over you, Sean, those new little lives, and I am so happy for you! Enjoy your blogging now, after they're here you probably won't find time to do this, much! I am so glad we have such an awesome church family and I know they will step up and be there for you--it's almost as if we all are giving birth, vicariously! Praying for you and your growing family every day!

  20. ditto to all the above comments.... thanks for the honesty and those thoughts i think would all be very normal... you are very strong... and God will not give you anything you cant handle :-) Hang in there! and in our minds... you look amazing and beautiful... just so you know

  21. Rebecca,
    You look beautiful! I can't believe how big you are. That was about the size I was at 42 weeks when I was induced. James and I pray for you two all the time. I'm enjoying reading your blog.

  22. Hello Becca,

    First. Congratulations!

    I don't usually post on blogs but I just came across yours in a feed, and your story hit home for me. I am a mother of quadruplet girls (two identical, two fraternal) born at 34 weeks. I also was told the drugs only had a 15% chance of producing twins.

    Apparently, someone doesn't do statistics very well. lol

    You look amazing. I gained 95 pounds (had a 52 inch waist at delivery) and was put on bed rest before 20 weeks. So you are doing extremely well.

    It is difficult to not feel like God has a very bad sense of humor, (you know we pray for years to have A baby, only to end up with 4 at once) but all things are for a reason. That is what I keep telling myself, because I know I would never have had four children, if they had came individually.
    And I would not trade a single one of them. :)

    This is truly a Blessed time. Try to enjoy what you can of it, because your life is about the change completely.

    I could talk all night, but I just wanted to encourage you on your journey. If you would like to contact me to chat, I would be happy to share some of my experiences with you.

    I just started a blog actually about my experiences with my girls. I really would like to help other women as much as possible to enjoy these moments of pregnancy or infant hood, because it goes by so quickly. I really wish I would have know some of the things I learned after my girls were bigger.

    Best of luck. Kimberly

  23. Hey Becca,
    It's been years and years since I've heard an update about you, let alone seen you! And now look at us - all grown up and in the process of raising families! Amazing! My mom ran into your mom and found out you are carrying quads, so I have been following your progress for a few weeks. Your story is amazing. What a testament to a gracious and loving Father.
    Since I can identify with many of the thoughts you expressed in this post, I thought I would pipe in and say how utterly normal you are! I cannot speak to the task of carrying four babies at once, but I can identify with your thoughts about your body, the seemingly unfair and totally unwonderful things about pregnancy and being at home, fear for your unborn little ones, and the list goes on and on.
    I think you look pretty fantastic and you will have years to gain back your figure. Although my tummy never stretched as far as yours, even the stretched out skin goes back to something near normal with time.
    I just wanted to say hi and thank you for sharing. I pray for you and your little ones. What a blessing! I had a nearly-term, pre-term, and full term pregancy that had to be induced. Our preemie, Sam, spent 5 weeks in the NICU and although it was difficult at times, the NICU nurses and doctors were such a blessing to me and my son. I know that your babies will probably be earlier than Sam, but I just wanted to make a little connection with you (Sam's story is on my blog if you get bored while you're in the hospital).
    God bless you, Sean, and Eli, Ellie, Abby, and Caleb!

    Love Lani (on behalf of the Hofackets, Jarod, Charlie, Sam, and Jack)

  24. Hi Becca. I just found your blog and wanted to encourage you:) I've been there---3.5 yr old BGGB quadruplets:) I'd love to help you in any way I can! You are so not alone--there are a lot of us quad moms and we stick together:) You look great!
    Please feel free to email me anytime--jennyhasquads @ yahoo

    God Bless
    Jenny B


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