When the Cracks Start Appearing

photo credit: virtually_supine via photopin cc

Lately, I've been holding on for dear life.

A few weeks ago, I found myself starting to get overwhelmed with everything and feeling like I'm stuck in a rut. It's a strange feeling to be battling when the weather has warmed up, the sun is shining (mostly), and the kids are finally able to leave the house.

It's like winter took a wrong turn and ended up in my heart.

I've been trying to put my feelings into words over the last few days and practically had a meltdown last night when my husband came home.

The laundry never ends.

My quadruplets are more opinionated than ever.

And there are only so many ways to cook a boneless, skinless chicken breast. Amen?

Maybe it's because I just don't like snow and ice, so being stuck in the house in January isn't a big issue to me. But now that it's summer, I want some freedom. A vacation. Just a break. A break from the monotony of stepping on cereal pieces, and finding my kids chewing on hair ties. A break from forcing Abby to pick up her toys, and from Ellie whining because someone touched her feet. A break from pulling Elijah off of the toy box so that he won't bang on the TV, and from trying to keep Caleb's hands out of his poop.

Maybe I've been pushing myself too hard lately. I've been trying to keep up with being a mother, a wife, and a writer, and I'm just exhausted from it all. There is nothing wrong with any of those, but maybe I need to carve our a little daily time for myself and just de-stress. No guilt, no shame. Just sit down, read a book, eat a snack, and dream for a bit.

Maybe it's the issues that both sides of our family are struggling with right now that are pulling on my energy. I seem to have fully embraced the verse that says, "weep with those who weep." Some of our family members are walking paths that mirror situations we've been in...yet are worlds different to the point where we can't even comprehend the pain. There is nothing we can do to help but love them. And that is so frustrating. So, so terribly heartbreaking and frustrating.

Or maybe it's all of it weighing down on me. Wanting to help everyone, love everyone, and protect everyone in my life. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this post, or what to do with my feelings. All I know is that sometimes, praying is all that I can do for the people I love in my life.

It's not that I hate motherhood or staying at home with my littles. Quite the contrary. I've never been more content with my place in life. It's just that the cracks are starting to appear from the strain of keeping up with everything.

Typically, I spend my kids’ waking hours caring for them, and their sleeping hours writing. I go 100% all of the time, working on some project or another. Maybe I'm just burnt out?

Yesterday, I took an hour out of my day, ditched the to-do list, and sat on the couch with my fiction book. When Sean got home, I told him that I spent an hour doing nothing productive. He told me that reading is very productive.

I've had people say, "Well, what do you expect? You are a stay-at-home mom with toddler quadruplets. Of course you will be tired!"

But it's not the same tired as just running after them all day. It's a bone weary feeling which seems to suck the energy from the inside out.

The cracks are starting to appear in the way I snap at my kids, lose my patience with their explorations, and just want to bury myself in bed and not come back out for a few weeks.

I'm hanging on for dear life.

photo credit: virtually_supine via photopin cc

Lately, I've been holding on for dear life.

A few weeks ago, I found myself starting to get overwhelmed with everything and feeling like I'm stuck in a rut. It's a strange feeling to be battling when the weather has warmed up, the sun is shining (mostly), and the kids are finally able to leave the house.

It's like winter took a wrong turn and ended up in my heart.

I've been trying to put my feelings into words over the last few days and practically had a meltdown last night when my husband came home.

The laundry never ends.

My quadruplets are more opinionated than ever.

And there are only so many ways to cook a boneless, skinless chicken breast. Amen?

Maybe it's because I just don't like snow and ice, so being stuck in the house in January isn't a big issue to me. But now that it's summer, I want some freedom. A vacation. Just a break. A break from the monotony of stepping on cereal pieces, and finding my kids chewing on hair ties. A break from forcing Abby to pick up her toys, and from Ellie whining because someone touched her feet. A break from pulling Elijah off of the toy box so that he won't bang on the TV, and from trying to keep Caleb's hands out of his poop.

Maybe I've been pushing myself too hard lately. I've been trying to keep up with being a mother, a wife, and a writer, and I'm just exhausted from it all. There is nothing wrong with any of those, but maybe I need to carve our a little daily time for myself and just de-stress. No guilt, no shame. Just sit down, read a book, eat a snack, and dream for a bit.

Maybe it's the issues that both sides of our family are struggling with right now that are pulling on my energy. I seem to have fully embraced the verse that says, "weep with those who weep." Some of our family members are walking paths that mirror situations we've been in...yet are worlds different to the point where we can't even comprehend the pain. There is nothing we can do to help but love them. And that is so frustrating. So, so terribly heartbreaking and frustrating.

Or maybe it's all of it weighing down on me. Wanting to help everyone, love everyone, and protect everyone in my life. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this post, or what to do with my feelings. All I know is that sometimes, praying is all that I can do for the people I love in my life.

It's not that I hate motherhood or staying at home with my littles. Quite the contrary. I've never been more content with my place in life. It's just that the cracks are starting to appear from the strain of keeping up with everything.

Typically, I spend my kids’ waking hours caring for them, and their sleeping hours writing. I go 100% all of the time, working on some project or another. Maybe I'm just burnt out?

Yesterday, I took an hour out of my day, ditched the to-do list, and sat on the couch with my fiction book. When Sean got home, I told him that I spent an hour doing nothing productive. He told me that reading is very productive.

I've had people say, "Well, what do you expect? You are a stay-at-home mom with toddler quadruplets. Of course you will be tired!"

But it's not the same tired as just running after them all day. It's a bone weary feeling which seems to suck the energy from the inside out.

The cracks are starting to appear in the way I snap at my kids, lose my patience with their explorations, and just want to bury myself in bed and not come back out for a few weeks.

I'm hanging on for dear life.

No Apologies for the "Non-Mom" Part of Me

Last week, I wrote a post in response to a reader's comment about how I find time to blog with toddler quadruplets. I'll admit, I was very taken aback when I initially read the comment. I mulled it over for a couple of days and looked at the comment from every angle I could come up with. Eventually, I decided that there was a whole other layer to the question that would have been easy to miss at first.

Or maybe it was just a straight question and I'm reading into it. Either way, I'm going to run with my thoughts anyway because I feel like it's important.

The comment was (slightly paraphrased), "I would think that you would have better things to do being a quad mom than to sit on the internet and run a blog." I addressed how I fit blogging into my routine in the previous post, but I think there is something bigger here than simply breaking down when I fit blogging into my day.

I blog mainly for myself. It's a stress reliever and how I relax. If I don't get stuff out on paper, then it builds up inside and may not be too pretty in the end.

I won't apologize for making time for me.

One of my biggest fears when I found out that we had quadruplets on the way was completely losing my identity in my children. I was Rebecca before kids, and I'm still Rebecca today. God made me with certain talents, ticks, character qualities, and areas where I struggle. I'm unique and specially created just like every other human being. Having kids doesn't change that, it only amplifies it.

Here is the truth about me. I am a Type A personality. I like things a certain way. I see issues in black and white. I don't like change. I am not a patient person although having kids has been magical in teaching me to slow down. I have a desire to help my family financially as much as possible by either saving money or bringing in a small amount of income. I have to take a nap at least every other day during this toddler period or I get very, very cranky.  I write because I need to to maintain my sanity.

Motherhood requires so much sacrifice. It requires putting others constantly ahead of ourselves. It means sleepless nights, being thrown up on, and not getting to eat warm dinners because everyone else needs something. But motherhood does not require complete and utter martyrdom to the point where there is nothing left of us when the kids are grown and gone. 

Listen, sweet friends, there is nothing wrong with still growing and enjoying things that you did prior to being a mom. In fact, you might find that taking a moment for yourself will actually make you a better mom. It makes me a better mom because I've had a chance to decompress doing something that I enjoy. Yes, certain things have to be rearranged or given up when motherhood enters the pictures, but I challenge you not to give yourself up and forget who God made you to be!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Do you agree or disagree with the idea that we can still maintain part of ourselves while answering the call of motherhood?

Last week, I wrote a post in response to a reader's comment about how I find time to blog with toddler quadruplets. I'll admit, I was very taken aback when I initially read the comment. I mulled it over for a couple of days and looked at the comment from every angle I could come up with. Eventually, I decided that there was a whole other layer to the question that would have been easy to miss at first.

Or maybe it was just a straight question and I'm reading into it. Either way, I'm going to run with my thoughts anyway because I feel like it's important.

The comment was (slightly paraphrased), "I would think that you would have better things to do being a quad mom than to sit on the internet and run a blog." I addressed how I fit blogging into my routine in the previous post, but I think there is something bigger here than simply breaking down when I fit blogging into my day.

I blog mainly for myself. It's a stress reliever and how I relax. If I don't get stuff out on paper, then it builds up inside and may not be too pretty in the end.

I won't apologize for making time for me.

One of my biggest fears when I found out that we had quadruplets on the way was completely losing my identity in my children. I was Rebecca before kids, and I'm still Rebecca today. God made me with certain talents, ticks, character qualities, and areas where I struggle. I'm unique and specially created just like every other human being. Having kids doesn't change that, it only amplifies it.

Here is the truth about me. I am a Type A personality. I like things a certain way. I see issues in black and white. I don't like change. I am not a patient person although having kids has been magical in teaching me to slow down. I have a desire to help my family financially as much as possible by either saving money or bringing in a small amount of income. I have to take a nap at least every other day during this toddler period or I get very, very cranky.  I write because I need to to maintain my sanity.

Motherhood requires so much sacrifice. It requires putting others constantly ahead of ourselves. It means sleepless nights, being thrown up on, and not getting to eat warm dinners because everyone else needs something. But motherhood does not require complete and utter martyrdom to the point where there is nothing left of us when the kids are grown and gone. 

Listen, sweet friends, there is nothing wrong with still growing and enjoying things that you did prior to being a mom. In fact, you might find that taking a moment for yourself will actually make you a better mom. It makes me a better mom because I've had a chance to decompress doing something that I enjoy. Yes, certain things have to be rearranged or given up when motherhood enters the pictures, but I challenge you not to give yourself up and forget who God made you to be!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Do you agree or disagree with the idea that we can still maintain part of ourselves while answering the call of motherhood?

5 Things I Don't Know As A Multiples Mom

I have some not-so-fond memories of people giving me advice while I was pregnant. They ranged from "stop eating until your pregnancy nausea goes away" to "You and your husband can still go to the movies. Just take the kids with you in their infant carriers!" Uh...okay?

The truth is, there is a lot of really good advice out there from more experienced moms, and also a lot of advice that has absolutely nothing to do with raising multiples. I know these people are well-intentioned, but it has made me very aware of giving advice myself.

I don't know the first thing about raising singletons. In many ways, I imagine it's harder (how do you entertain a single child all day??).

On occasion, I'll get a chance to visit with one of my singleton mom friends and the topic of rearing kids will come up. We will start swapping stories about babies and their reflux or teething, or toddlers and their climbing or obedience issues, and my friend might ask me what I think about something. My first response is always, "I don't know anything about raising singletons, so what might work in my situation, won't necessarily work in yours."

In keeping with that statement, I'd like to offer five things I DON'T know as a multiples mom:

1. Singleton Pregnancies
Probably my favorite example of my complete lack of knowledge in this area is the following conversation I had with a friend who was coming over to help me once a week just after our kids came home:

Friend: I'm pregnant! But don't worry, I still want to come help every week.
Me: You are?! That's awesome! I'm so excited! So every week, we will take a picture of your belly so you can see how fast you grow!
Friend: .Uh...Rebecca, normal people don't change that much week to week. If you take a photo every week, you won't see any change. Once a month photos makes more sense.
Me: Oh....

Haha! It just didn't occur to me because I had significant growth every week!

I also don't know what it's like to be pregnant for 9 months. I did 27 weeks, 6 days, and I was done. I can't imagine being pregnant for an extra three months. (Obviously, I didn't enjoy being pregnant!)

2. Healthy Newborns
So let me get this straight: You go to the hospital, have a baby, and then leave three days later with the baby? Goodness, as much as the NICU was really difficult, I had nurses who held my hand for three months and taught me how to do everything from bathe to feed to dress my babies. I also knew that they had been checked up one side and down the other which was a huge comfort.

I can't imagine walking out the doors of the hospital with my three day old baby and being left to figure it out on my own.

3. Raising Singletons of Different Ages
Yes, raising four kids the same age is hard, but I don't know any different. What I can't imagine is coordinating skill development for kids of different levels plus keeping track of the different needs of each age level.  What I find even more incredible are those moms with multiples and singletons (or another set of multiples!). Whoa...

4. Working Outside the Home and Raising Kids
Seriously, I can't figure this one out. I don't work outside the home because childcare would have been three times my salary. I do work from home as a blogger and freelance writer, but it's very part-time and after the kids are in bed. How in the world do you mamas work outside the home and maintain your awesomeness in the evenings and on weekends? I honestly don't think I could do it. I think the stress alone would knock me out. Those of you who can coordinate all of that have my admiration!

5. Not Being Afraid of Germs
In my dreams, I can send my kids into a play place or gym and comfortably watch them play. Instead, whenever we go out in public, I inwardly cringe and have to talk myself down. I'm terrified of germs. Flat out, 100% terrified. If someone sneezes or coughs, I freak out. Runny noses? So scary (and I know most of the time it's teething!).

I'm aware that most of those fears come from having NICU babies, needing to scrub in to see them, use hand sanitizer whenever I touched them, and being on lockdown for two winter seasons. I've asked other multiple moms when the fear goes away....apparently it doesn't.

Singleton moms probably notice germs to some level, but probably don't obsess about it to the degree that I do. I don't know what it's like not to be afraid of germs, and I really wish I did!


Multiples mom or singleton mom...I've pretty much decided that all moms are superheroes in one way or another. We each have our own specific challenges and situations, but each of us want the best for our kids and will take down anyone who stands in our way. Moms are so courageous. That's all I have to say about that.

I call myself blessed to have both multiples moms and singleton moms among my friends. Thank you to each one of you for pouring your lives into mine, letting me learn from your situations, and laughing with me as we chat about the silly antics of our kids!

I have some not-so-fond memories of people giving me advice while I was pregnant. They ranged from "stop eating until your pregnancy nausea goes away" to "You and your husband can still go to the movies. Just take the kids with you in their infant carriers!" Uh...okay?

The truth is, there is a lot of really good advice out there from more experienced moms, and also a lot of advice that has absolutely nothing to do with raising multiples. I know these people are well-intentioned, but it has made me very aware of giving advice myself.

I don't know the first thing about raising singletons. In many ways, I imagine it's harder (how do you entertain a single child all day??).

On occasion, I'll get a chance to visit with one of my singleton mom friends and the topic of rearing kids will come up. We will start swapping stories about babies and their reflux or teething, or toddlers and their climbing or obedience issues, and my friend might ask me what I think about something. My first response is always, "I don't know anything about raising singletons, so what might work in my situation, won't necessarily work in yours."

In keeping with that statement, I'd like to offer five things I DON'T know as a multiples mom:

1. Singleton Pregnancies
Probably my favorite example of my complete lack of knowledge in this area is the following conversation I had with a friend who was coming over to help me once a week just after our kids came home:

Friend: I'm pregnant! But don't worry, I still want to come help every week.
Me: You are?! That's awesome! I'm so excited! So every week, we will take a picture of your belly so you can see how fast you grow!
Friend: .Uh...Rebecca, normal people don't change that much week to week. If you take a photo every week, you won't see any change. Once a month photos makes more sense.
Me: Oh....

Haha! It just didn't occur to me because I had significant growth every week!

I also don't know what it's like to be pregnant for 9 months. I did 27 weeks, 6 days, and I was done. I can't imagine being pregnant for an extra three months. (Obviously, I didn't enjoy being pregnant!)

2. Healthy Newborns
So let me get this straight: You go to the hospital, have a baby, and then leave three days later with the baby? Goodness, as much as the NICU was really difficult, I had nurses who held my hand for three months and taught me how to do everything from bathe to feed to dress my babies. I also knew that they had been checked up one side and down the other which was a huge comfort.

I can't imagine walking out the doors of the hospital with my three day old baby and being left to figure it out on my own.

3. Raising Singletons of Different Ages
Yes, raising four kids the same age is hard, but I don't know any different. What I can't imagine is coordinating skill development for kids of different levels plus keeping track of the different needs of each age level.  What I find even more incredible are those moms with multiples and singletons (or another set of multiples!). Whoa...

4. Working Outside the Home and Raising Kids
Seriously, I can't figure this one out. I don't work outside the home because childcare would have been three times my salary. I do work from home as a blogger and freelance writer, but it's very part-time and after the kids are in bed. How in the world do you mamas work outside the home and maintain your awesomeness in the evenings and on weekends? I honestly don't think I could do it. I think the stress alone would knock me out. Those of you who can coordinate all of that have my admiration!

5. Not Being Afraid of Germs
In my dreams, I can send my kids into a play place or gym and comfortably watch them play. Instead, whenever we go out in public, I inwardly cringe and have to talk myself down. I'm terrified of germs. Flat out, 100% terrified. If someone sneezes or coughs, I freak out. Runny noses? So scary (and I know most of the time it's teething!).

I'm aware that most of those fears come from having NICU babies, needing to scrub in to see them, use hand sanitizer whenever I touched them, and being on lockdown for two winter seasons. I've asked other multiple moms when the fear goes away....apparently it doesn't.

Singleton moms probably notice germs to some level, but probably don't obsess about it to the degree that I do. I don't know what it's like not to be afraid of germs, and I really wish I did!


Multiples mom or singleton mom...I've pretty much decided that all moms are superheroes in one way or another. We each have our own specific challenges and situations, but each of us want the best for our kids and will take down anyone who stands in our way. Moms are so courageous. That's all I have to say about that.

I call myself blessed to have both multiples moms and singleton moms among my friends. Thank you to each one of you for pouring your lives into mine, letting me learn from your situations, and laughing with me as we chat about the silly antics of our kids!

Mommy Makeover

In the past two years, Sean and I have literally felt like we've aged ten years. We ache constantly and have trouble getting back up off the floor without a little help from nearby furniture. Dramatic? Oh, probably. But the truth is, motherhood (and fatherhood) will just plain wear a body out! And I know for a fact that that is true for multiple moms and singleton moms alike. 

It's worth it though, am I right, Mamas??

It's been over two years since I've really had a chance to stop and get myself fixed up. I've had the occasional haircut which always makes me feel better, but it's hard to carve out that time on a regular basis. I haven't highlighted my hair since before the kids, and the grey has started to creep in (I pull out the grey strands when I catch them). I also don't get around to putting on makeup as much as I'd like to.

I try to keep photos of myself without makeup on to a minimum since it's gotten a little scary with the permanent dark circles under my eyes. But, for the sake of this post, I'll show you what I look like on a normal day running around after toddlers:

And now you understand why I try not to put up photos of myself without a little foundation and mascara!

A week before Christmas, I was super blessed to get to spend an afternoon fixing my look, from head to toe. I was given a gift certificate back in June when the kids had their first birthday party at Little Monkey Bizness.  Carrie, the owner of Little Monkey Bizness, was kind enough to work it out with Becky, the owner of A Shear Thing, to arrange for a makeover: Haircut, Color, Makeup Application, Manicure, and Pedicure. Wow! And I finally had the chance to use that amazing gift certificate since Sean was on vacation that week!

And four hours later, this is the magic that Katie and Taylor were able to work: 

This was such a relaxing way to spend an afternoon. Katie (the most adorable gal who is planning her wedding!) did my hair, manicure and pedicure. It's so nice to have layers and dimension back in my hair (and the grey gone!) She even planned out the highlights in such a way where they can grow out and not show roots since she realized that me getting to a salon on any regular basis is impossible. Plus, my hands and feet look way better now! Also, I think I need to start buying lemons and limes and infusing my own citrus water, because the citrus infused water she brought over to me was really good (it's the little things!)!

Taylor (who grew up two blocks away from where we live!) did an awesome job with my makeup too! I'm sure I wasn't the easiest client with my tired out face, dark circles, and chapped lips. She asked how I wanted my makeup done, and I responded with "naturally sexy, not Dolly Parton 'sexy'." She caught on to what I wanted right away. Lol! I also learned some new makeup tricks to boot! Maybe that will motivate me to use makeup a little more often even if I know that I won't be going anywhere and no one will be taking photos. Afterall, I do have a husband who comes home every night. :)

The salon didn't ask and doesn't even know that they are getting a shout out on the blog, but I wanted to share my fixed up look with you all since it might not happen again for awhile. Whoohoo! I look decent again!

Before                              After

So happy! :)

In the past two years, Sean and I have literally felt like we've aged ten years. We ache constantly and have trouble getting back up off the floor without a little help from nearby furniture. Dramatic? Oh, probably. But the truth is, motherhood (and fatherhood) will just plain wear a body out! And I know for a fact that that is true for multiple moms and singleton moms alike. 

It's worth it though, am I right, Mamas??

It's been over two years since I've really had a chance to stop and get myself fixed up. I've had the occasional haircut which always makes me feel better, but it's hard to carve out that time on a regular basis. I haven't highlighted my hair since before the kids, and the grey has started to creep in (I pull out the grey strands when I catch them). I also don't get around to putting on makeup as much as I'd like to.

I try to keep photos of myself without makeup on to a minimum since it's gotten a little scary with the permanent dark circles under my eyes. But, for the sake of this post, I'll show you what I look like on a normal day running around after toddlers:

And now you understand why I try not to put up photos of myself without a little foundation and mascara!

A week before Christmas, I was super blessed to get to spend an afternoon fixing my look, from head to toe. I was given a gift certificate back in June when the kids had their first birthday party at Little Monkey Bizness.  Carrie, the owner of Little Monkey Bizness, was kind enough to work it out with Becky, the owner of A Shear Thing, to arrange for a makeover: Haircut, Color, Makeup Application, Manicure, and Pedicure. Wow! And I finally had the chance to use that amazing gift certificate since Sean was on vacation that week!

And four hours later, this is the magic that Katie and Taylor were able to work: 

This was such a relaxing way to spend an afternoon. Katie (the most adorable gal who is planning her wedding!) did my hair, manicure and pedicure. It's so nice to have layers and dimension back in my hair (and the grey gone!) She even planned out the highlights in such a way where they can grow out and not show roots since she realized that me getting to a salon on any regular basis is impossible. Plus, my hands and feet look way better now! Also, I think I need to start buying lemons and limes and infusing my own citrus water, because the citrus infused water she brought over to me was really good (it's the little things!)!

Taylor (who grew up two blocks away from where we live!) did an awesome job with my makeup too! I'm sure I wasn't the easiest client with my tired out face, dark circles, and chapped lips. She asked how I wanted my makeup done, and I responded with "naturally sexy, not Dolly Parton 'sexy'." She caught on to what I wanted right away. Lol! I also learned some new makeup tricks to boot! Maybe that will motivate me to use makeup a little more often even if I know that I won't be going anywhere and no one will be taking photos. Afterall, I do have a husband who comes home every night. :)

The salon didn't ask and doesn't even know that they are getting a shout out on the blog, but I wanted to share my fixed up look with you all since it might not happen again for awhile. Whoohoo! I look decent again!

Before                              After

So happy! :)