Tuesday, May 28, 2013

How NOT "To Train Up a Child"


Michael and Debi Pearl Review Parenting Book
I've done a lot of praying about what to say about this book. My initial concern was expressing my opinion and making a bunch of you upset. But honestly, after spending all month reading the book, researching information about the book and the authors, watching online interviews with Michael Pearl, and praying a lot about it, I feel like I need to come right out with my thoughts.

For those of you who are not familiar with To Train Up a Child, it is a parenting book that was written in 1994. It has been widely read and translated into different languages, as well as developed a very loyal following particularly in fundamentalist Christian circles. At the same time, it has also attracted some very outspoken critics from Christian circles. It made me curious to see why it’s so divisive.

First of all, the book is an easy read as it goes. There are no difficult words, and the chapters are broken into sections that make it easy to stop partway through a chapter if necessary. Very handy. I think the ease of reading has definitely contributed to its widespread appeal.

I could beat around the bush, but let’s just get down to it: The content of the book was, to put it bluntly, very disturbing. It took me three attempts to get through it, but each time I thought about stopping, I felt that I needed to actually finish if I wanted an informed opinion. That, and I kept hoping that it would redeem itself. It was extremely difficult for me to wade through it as I kept having panic attacks. I'm talking full out heart-racing, pulse rising, panic attacks. I usually read right before bed as a way to wind down, but I got to the point where I could only read this book for twenty minutes or so before I had to put it away. There were a lot of late nights as I just couldn't get the content out of head. It did the exact opposite of winding me down.

The book focuses on the methodology of how to discipline a child into total and unequivocal submission, or as Pearl likes to put it, breaking the will and the spirit of the child. It would take me quite a bit of space to outline everything that I had issues with in the book, so instead, I’ll just hit on the highlights…if you can call them that.
  • "A child can be turned back from the road to hell through proper spankings. (p.46)” While it’s true that my husband and I swat our kids, we do it entirely different than anything this guy writes in his book. I think there is a place for spankings (licking outlets, dancing on coffee tables, running into the street, inflicting bodily harm on a sibling, etc), but this guy goes WAY too far. Like so far that I can’t even put his spankings in the same camp with our spankings.
  • “If you have to sit on him to spank him, then do not hesitate…Hold the resisting child in a helpless position for several minutes, or until he is totally surrendered (p.49)” Okay, first of all….what?!?! Sit on your child? The guy is recommending taking your full adult body and planting it on the kid while you strike him/her eight to ten times with a rod. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
  • He flat out states that both he and his wife discipline other kids they come across, in front of the child’s parents, without asking for permission. (p.56) FYI, don’t ever try to discipline my child in front of me without my permission. If you have a problem with him/her, feel free to clue me in. I’m happy to listen and help my kids adjust their behavior to your house rules, but don’t try to be a better parent to my kids than I am. That isn’t your place.
  • He cautions wives not to discuss the husband’s discipline techniques with him even if she thinks it’s getting out of hand. Instead, she should just teach the kids to avoid getting spanked. (p.58) That sounds like a great way to teach kids to fear their dad, and for wives to become a doormat in their marital relationship. There is clearly no partnership here, and I can easily see this becoming an abusive situation.
  •  He goes through the book referring to moms who don’t follow his parenting advice as “guilty mothers. (p.59)” I beg to differ. I do the very best I can as a mother, and don’t feel guilty at all for not sitting on my kids or whipping my one year old eight to ten times with a piece of plumber’s supply line (Again, couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.)
  • “If you have duties outside the home that prevent you from properly rearing your children, give your duties back to the Devil. (p.63)” He underlined it in the book for extra emphasis. You know what? It’s probably those guilty mothers who aren’t following his parenting techniques that are having these issues anyway. In case you hadn’t figured it out yet, he thinks that all moms should not work outside the home without taking into consideration that some families have differing needs.
  • “All children’s dolls should be BABY dolls, not “Barbie” dolls. The fantasy arising from playing with baby dolls causes the child to role-play mother. The fantasy arising from Barbie dolls causes a child to role-play a porno queen. (p.65)” Again, his emphasis. Really? I played with Barbie dolls while growing up, and I can say without a doubt that I’ve never role-played as a porno queen. Actually…this quote just makes me laugh! It’s so far out of right field, I can’t even believe it.
  • “Even today, without looking at the children, I can snap my finger, pointing to the floor, and they all (including the ones over six-feet) immediately sit. (p.72)” I guess don’t understand why he can’t make eye contact and ask nicely? How sad that his full grown adult children are so conditioned to be treated like animals that they don’t even question it. And yes, in his interview with Anderson Cooper, he said that children and animals have to be trained the same way.
  • "If a parent starts at infancy, discouraging the first crying demands, the child will never develop the habit. (p. 84)” and “If he is old enough to pitch a fit, he is old enough to be switched. (p.83) Crying is how infants communicate. By taking that away, he is already forcing them into an emotionless existence. Also, I fear for the children with sensory issues who have been spanked repeatedly for things that they simply can’t help. Our Ellie cried a ton when she was an infant, but it was because she had specific sensory issues. Under Pearl’s instruction, Ellie should have been spanked for that. And that makes me angry.
  • “When little children are cute in their prayers or religious imitations, they should be totally ignored. (p.99)” That’s just absurd. Cut the four-year-old some slack! He is still learning how to talk to God (aren’t we all??)!
  • In his chapter, Homeschool Makes No Fools, he says, “Never even consider sending your children to private Christian schools, much less the public, automation factories. (p.101)” He goes on to say in that chapter, “…if you want a son or daughter of God, you will have to do it God’s way and in God’s choice of location—the home. (p.102)” For the record, I’ve come across plenty of foolish homeschoolers, so I took issue with the title immediately. I, myself, was homeschooled, and statements like this just embarrass the heck out of me. No wonder the world at large thinks that homeschoolers are a bunch of half-wits! For the record, I haven’t seen anything in the Bible which says not to go to public or private school. For this man to announce what God wants when there is no scripture to back it up is outright arrogant. Plus, my hubby went to public and private school, and I hardly think he was going against God’s way.
I think, though, that the most disturbing thing (beyond sitting on a child) is his complete disregard for the feelings and emotions of children. With his parenting techniques, children have to remain emotionless for it to work. They literally aren’t allowed to have any feelings except to show the “happy Christian” face that we’ve come to find in so many churches across the country.

And lest you think that people won’t take him literally, I have to disagree with that. Pearl assumes that his readers will literally follow every step he has outlined. He tells a story on page 88 about a discipline issue at church and says, “the church was having dinner on the grounds (This is not eating off the ground. It is eating together outdoors.)” I like to think that most people would understand the way that “grounds” is used in this context without further explanation, but clearly he thinks and expects everyone to take his writing literally. Again, I think back to his instruction to sit on a child…

The book was so authoritarian that I started taking notes about a third of the way through it. I wish I had started sooner. There was so much more in this book that should make the list above, but due to space constraints I’m going to stop here. However, I think the above quotes pretty accurately reflect on the book as a whole. He never allows room for discussion or disagreement in the book, but rather commands his way through it as the only right way. Without any hesitation, he twists scripture to support his own twisted logic. He even goes so far as to call himself a “benevolent dictator.” I’m always so careful with wanting complete context surrounding a quote, but I promise you, with Pearl writing this literally, you have all of the context you need to know that this book needs to be avoided.

This book is a perfect recipe for physical and emotional abuse under the guise of raising good Christian children. Will you raise outwardly good Christian children using this method? Undoubtedly, because they will be so terrified and so conditioned that they won’t be able to do anything else. There is no room for grace, individual situations, personalities, or childish explorations with this method. That is very sad indeed.

Let me end with this though: This book was recommended and lent to me by a very dear friend of mine. I know for a fact that she is a great parent and thankfully doesn't use this book the way it was written. I greatly respect her, her husband, and the adorable family that they are raising together. I know that I have some readers who use this book because of how prevalent it is in some Christian circles. Far from telling someone how to parent, I'm simply asking that you examine your techniques and make sure that they do indeed line up with scripture and aren't a bunch of rules that a man has made. Ultimately, as parents, we are held accountable to God for how we choose to raise our kids. Sean and I aren't perfect and make mistakes every day, but I hope that by praying we can avoid some of the very dangerous pitfalls that books like this recommend.

72 comments:

  1. That book makes me sick to my stomach. If people did not follow it and actually use the methods it peaches, it would be laughable.

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    1. It does come across as completely unbelievable, doesn't it? Unfortunately, too many people like it.

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  2. Thank you for such a well thought out and thorough review! It had been recommended to me and I'll just take your word for it and avoid it :) it just makes me sad for the kids who have been victims of this.

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    1. Me too. My heart just breaks for the kids. :(

      I'm so glad that you are avoiding it! You really aren't missing anything, I promise!

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  3. Never heard of this book! This guy sounds NUTS! I thought you made some excellent points ... especially the one about playing with Barbies. HA!!

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    1. Nuts is a pretty good description! I just wish he was the harmless kind of nuts.

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  4. I've heard so many horrible things about the author & those who follow his words to a "t". Just a quick google search is enough to deter me from reading the book.

    I am thankful that God gives us freedom in following him and grants us the ability to tune in to the individual needs of our children. There's really no right or wrong way to go about raising godly and well-behaved children. There's no specific formula that will make it happen. To rely on someone else's formula seems like shirking your parental responsibilities (to me - only my opinion). What works for one kid may not work for another, and what works now may not work in a few months. Flexibility, compassion, and grace seem to be the main characteristics of the parents that I look up to.

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    1. Well put, Sam!

      No book is going to be the perfect guide because humans just don't have anything completely figured out. All advice should definitely be screened through the Bible.

      Thankfully, God is gracious with us as parents. I certainly make my own fair share of mistakes. I'm so grateful that He doesn't treat me the way Pearl recommends children should be treated!

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  5. Rebecca, I wholeheartedly agree with all of the points you make in your review. I am glad you chose to speak your mind and shed some light on the ludicrous ideas purported in this despicable book. I read a number of reviews on Amazon and the quotes included there and here tell me everything I need to know and more about about this book. There are so many things I could say, but you covered the main points quite well (and in a kinder manner than I would have). Children are not robots! Our families are not factories for producing drones that jump to obey when we snap our fingers. Yes, you can raise children to respond like Pavlov's dogs, but that will not make them animals; they are precious human beings, dearly loved by their Father God and created in His image. The methods in this book are cruel, heartless, and completely devoid of grace. I am not against spanking or other appropriate methods of discipline, but the punishments the author is talking about sound a lot more like child abuse (and in some cases, infant abuse). When *I* do something I shouldn't, the Lord doesn't try to beat me into submission, "conquer" me, and break my spirit. He gently leads me by desire. His banner over me is love. He is a perfect Father. We would all do better to ignore the degrading, insulting methods of this contemptible book and purpose instead to display some of the abundant grace and overflowing love that our Heavenly Father has shown to every one of us.

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    1. I don't think I could put that better, Rustie!

      Thank you for your encouragement to post the article. If even one child is protected from a parent reading this, then it was worth writing!

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  6. First of all, I agree that this book sounds awful. However, for what it's worth, I *do* remember playing with Barbies as a child in a sexual way (Barbie and Ken had sex with each other). And no, I was not sexually abused in any way as a child (grew up with loving parents in a Christian home, and was even home schooled for part of my childhood). Was this type of play unhealthy? I don't know. I like to think I'm a normal, happily married young woman. :) Since I was home schooled in later elementary (until 8th grade), perhaps I played with them longer than other girls (perhaps younger children wouldn't have played such with them)? But I do remember doing so. And as I watched my daughter play (when she was about 5), I suspected once or twice that she made them kiss... and the clothing available for them is truly scandalous. I'm unsure of how to address this in the future, but Barbies do lend themselves to "grown up" play.

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    1. I think it's perfectly normal. We played that too, we didn't know exactly what sex was, but we were imitating life!

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    2. I agree that the clothes for Barbies are definitely lacking! We don't have Barbies yet for our girls, but I guess I just don't feel that my adulthood was influenced negatively by playing with them when I was a kid. :)

      I think as parents, we need to constantly be examining things in our families and be willing to make changes if we think things are going in an inappropriate direction. As of right now though, based on my own personal experience with Barbies, I don't currently have a problem with them. All the best as you find the best course of action for your family!

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  7. I have had this book for 6 years. Sitting next to my bed so that I will read it. I have avoided it for six years because just two pages in I almost lost my lunch. :(

    However, a very dear friend of mine wants to read it along with me soon so we can talk about it and I know I need to put my big girl panties on. Pray for me. :(

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    1. Oh goodness, Anjanette! Is there anyway to bow out of that particular selection and pick a different book???

      If not, don't try to read it before bed. You won't sleep. Personal experience talking here. Let me know if/when you actually start it, and I'll pray for you as you try to get through it!

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  8. Thank you for this thoughtful, balanced and well researched post. Excellent and eye opening! I have many friends who are strong supporters of the Pearls and I remember that book in our home growing up. Thankfully, my parents did not implement everything. Now that I have my own baby, I want to be careful about the methods that we use. The methods the Pearls use do not illustrate the love, grace and compassion of our Heavenly Father. Thank you for helping me see how NOT to train my children.

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    1. Thanks for the comment! I'm glad your parents were reasonable people even though they read the book!

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  9. That is a book I never want to read. I wonder what God thinks of the Pearls blaspheming his name.

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  10. Thank you for this review! I wouldn't treat my dog the way they advocate treating children. Children are people too. Kids have died because their parents bought these lies. :(

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    1. Yes they have. I didn't go into the three deaths associated with this book, but they are directly tied to it. The children were literally spanked to death. Autopsy reports show the same damage to muscle tissue as what one would normal find it someone was beaten.

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  11. Excellent, well-written! Thank you for writing this! :-)

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  12. It has been 12 years since I read this book - I had forgotten most of what you quoted above, thankfully! How is it healthy or in any way good that Mr.Pearls adult children will sit when he snaps. His idea that children and animals need to be trained the same sounds more evolutionary than anything! My three children are enrolled in school - and ya know what? I feel not even one ounce of guilt!

    I tossed this book along with the Ezzo's book when my gut told me that children are not interruptions meant to be molded in cookie cutter molds. Nor are they tools needing to be sharpened for my personal ego.
    It really overwhelms me now more than ever to know that this book is still being widely circulated! So much damage has been/is being done physically and emotionally. THANK YOU for addressing this.

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    1. Thank you for your comment! I too don't understand how it's good that his adult children respond to a snap. It just baffles me how he can consider that a good thing?!

      It is being circulated still, and I think it's very sad. Unfortunately, they've also written a lot of other books as well.

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  13. I have read TTUAC and I get their magazine, and there is SO much I disagree with in there. Your review was REALLY good, I am impressed that you able to be bold without going "too far" it's a hard line there, esp with this book. :)

    I like how down home country style way of writing and relating anecdotes, but I think it's not a good foundation for your parenting or even a safe supplement. There are a lot of other more grace-filled resources out there that still address the things I DO agree with him on. :) (which are much less than the things I DISagree with him on) I think the one that stands out to me the most is switching his 4 month old for crawling up stairs and then placing the switch on the stair, so she will see it and now crawl up.. FOUR MONTHS OLD! :-p

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    1. Thank you for the compliment on the review, Didi!

      Their anecdotal style is part of what makes the book so easy to read. I would encourage you find find a new source of anecdotes and country living. As you said, there are a lot of much better books to read out there!

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  14. The thought that such a book exists, that a publishers thought it was a good idea to print it, makes me sick. It sounds like a "how to" guide for child abusers.
    Wonder where they found the cute, smiling kid for the cover. Clearly, not a "trained up" child.

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    1. I totally thought the same thing about that child on the cover! I don't know if that is a stock image or an actual child in the parenting program.

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  15. Thank you for sharing your review. I have avoided this book completely due to the fact that there have been reports of infants being diagnosed as "failure to thrive" because of parents following the Pearls' strict schedule instead of feeding their children on demand. If that's not bad enough, your review just sealed the deal for me! I want children who are not just outwardly compliant, but have actually accepted God's grace and have behavior molded by the Holy Spirit, not by beatings.

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    1. Exactly! Outwardly compliant kids won't be helpful in the long run. If we can teach our kids to walk with God, accept His grace, and listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, then we are getting somewhere!

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  16. This makes me so sad. Sad that there is someone who raised his child like this, and sad that people actually follow this drivel. God did not bless me with such a wonderful child for me to treat him like an animal. I want to raise a loving, compassionate, spirited, creative, and obedient child, not one whose spirit has been broken :(

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    1. I think a child's spirit is one of the most beautiful things about him! A spirit that follows God's leading is better than a spirit that has been smashed to pieces.

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  17. Several children have died due to this couple and their teachings and people taking them literally. I grew up under a lot of their their teachings and for 19 years of my life was one of those "happy Christian" kids who was anything but. I had my first suicide attempt at 13 after struggling with the temptation for more than three years.

    What's more, DebI (the co-author to this book and wife to Michael) also wrote a book called "Created to Be His Help Meet" that is pretty much a manual for creating abused wives and is just as destructive. I know a lot of women who took/take that book as Gospel and it results in endless abuse - including marital rape, wives being spanked like children when they displease the husband, wives being held responsible when a husband cheats, wives not interfering when their husband abuses their children and ultimately wives being silenced into a suffocating submission designed to make them the personal slave of their husband's every whim.

    Ultimately, the Pearls will have a lot to answer for before God sends them to join their master in hell. I say that not to be spiteful but because I believe that the Bible says that you will know a person by their fruit and nothing that comes from the Pearls is even remotely Biblical or of Christ. In fact much in the Bible speaks to the opposite of their teachings. In fact, I'd even hazard a guess that everything about the Bible and about God loudly condemns their lies and abuse. The Bible teaches that children (while they are children with all their mistakes and blossoming individualism) are a blessing from God...not a trial that you must overcome by forcing them into non-persons as quickly and emphatically as possible. Wives are to become one with their husband's (two equal parts of a whole) - not a unequal doormat to be trampled all over and treated like a child, enslaved to obeying her husband even in his sin.

    Sorry for the strong words. I think you handled the post brilliantly. The Pearls, though, are a very strong trigger for me as I've seen firsthand the devastation of their teachings in action.

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    1. Oh, Kez. I'm am so very sorry that you lived through the teaching of this book. I can't even being to understand the damage that has been done in your life. I'm praying that you have reached a point where you have found the grace and love that Jesus offers. I'm sure that separating the God that you were hit over the head with as a child from the God who actually loves us is a very difficult thing to do.

      I did read some excerpts from "Created to Be His Helpmeet." It was just as disturbing as this one.

      No worries for the strong words. You are a strong person to have made it to adulthood as an adjusted person. Thanks for commenting!

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  18. The Baby vs Barbie doll thing is actually not that far off- and it really makes it worse that there is truth to what he's saying. The "porno queen" fantasy is obviously objectively false, but when you consider what probably makes one a "porno queen" in Pearl's mind it may be somewhat true. Barbie is an adult woman who may or may not have a partner (Ken), or younger siblings (Skipper), or participate in domestic activities. Barbie has choices, and identifying with her may lead you to recognize that when you are an adult, you too may have choices. Playing with baby dolls, however- there's no choice involved. Babies don't have any element of choice (especially under these parenting standards), and the activities you can do with a Baby doll are generally limited to motherhood related activities. The Pearls' writings indicate that they see things in black and white, and in this case "white" is a direct path from childhood to motherhood, leading to a life centered exclusively around being a wife and mother, and "black" is pretty much absolutely everything else. I'm pretty sure single, childless, career-focused, college-educated woman equals aspiring "porno queen" to them (not that I believe Barbies encourages these things- there are MUCH better toys for that; I say this only as extension of the logic generally employed by the Pearls).

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    1. I can follow that train of logic

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    2. I'm sorry, but this is the dumbest thing I have ever read. A teddy bear has unlimited choices too. Insert huge eye roll. And if you think baby dolls are limited to motherly related activities, you have another thing coming! They make swell hostages when playing cowboys and Indians.

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    3. From the Pearl's point of view, I can totally follow your train of thought. Everything to them is black and white. I don't pretend to fully understand their logic, but that's as good an explanation as I think we are going to get!

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  19. Thanks for the review..I believe that these books forget to "treat others the way we would want to be treated" and ignore the fact that children are people too and should be treated with tenderness.

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  20. Thank you for your review and perspective.
    I have first hand experience being raised that way.
    My parent still keep extra copies on hand to give away to new parents and couples they are "witnessing" to.

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    1. Oh goodness! I'm sorry that you experienced this as a child. I can only imagine the damage that you have had to work through. It's very sad that your parents are still giving away copies. I'm sure they are just trying to help others, but I'm sure you could have written this article yourself.

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  21. I really appreciate that this is coming from someone who does spank (swat) their children, who was home-schooled, and who clearly uses the bible in their home. I agree with everything you've said above.

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    1. Thank you! I'm certainly not bashing all discipline techniques (within moderation and with restraint), being home schooled, or Christianity. It makes me sad that a book like this can put all of that in a horrible light and the rest of us reasonable parents along with it.

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  22. Thank you, for your honest review of this book. I too was given this book by a dear friend years ago. I had a hard time reading through it as well. We must always read any book with a grain of salt. The Bible should be our number one LIFE/PARENTING/MARRIAGE and everything else in between MANUAL. Training a child does NOT mean "beat them into submission" or "have them so scared of you" so they will obey. Obeying comes when loving instruction is given. To me this book led me over and over again to the verse about "Do NOT provoke your children to wrath." God gives my husband and I daily sufficient grace, and we have chosen to parent with the same grace we've been given. No techniques or methods - simply grace.

    To Train means to (educate - teach - school - drill - exercise - and coach) up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

    The Pear's form of training leads me to believe that these children were "robots who obeyed only because of fear." We train our children to want to obey, because the Lord commands it, not just because Mommy and Daddy say so, or else you get a beating.

    My husband and I are choosing to Instruct and Shepherd our children's hearts for eternity, doing so with loving intentional discipline and real intentional training.

    By His Grace,
    ESTHER
    www.GracedSimplicity.com

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  23. Kez, you might be interested in the following article regarding "Created to be his helpmeet": http://www.recoveringgrace.org/2012/07/behind-every-good-man/

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    1. Recovering Grace is a great website! Thanks for linking that!

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  24. Wow, I'm glad you wrote this, I had just started to hear about this book - guess that is a blessing - as a Christian mom, who writes book reviews, this has been mentioned as a book I should look into... now I will just refer them to this post. I agree with your thoughts one hundred percent.

    Marissa
    http://forfunreadinglist.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks for passing on the info, Marissa! I'm glad that my article can possibly help other parents and protect children in the process.

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  25. We have had this book & several more of his books. We do not agree w/ every aspect of these books, but we did not allow our daughter to play w/ Barbies because of the clothing that was available for them. We have tried to teach her to dress modestly(shes 15, so getting harder) & didn't feel that Barbies would help in that aspect.

    We also heard them speak one time & if you think the book is bad just listen to them. We came away thinking we had "failed" in all areas. Good grief most of us can "train" our children, maybe not the way they think.
    The really sad thing is I think all of there children are married & probably "training" there children the same way.

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    1. You are right, it is sad that this method is being passed down to the Pearl grandchildren now. A note inside the back of the book says that the kids ARE raising their children this way. I can only pray that some of those kids can break free.

      As far as listening to them speak...I think I'll pass on that. I watched an interview with Michael Pearl and felt nauseous. I imagine that urge would increase if I heard them in person.

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  26. I respectfully disagree on quite a few of your points. When I noticed that I was writing a very long comment I decided to turn it into a blog post. You're welcome to read it here if you'd like: http://embracingmarriage.net/2013/05/to-train-up-a-child/

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    1. Thank you for your very respectful post! While it didn't sway my opinion at all, I do appreciate having a polite conversation with other bloggers. I wish there was more of that in the blogsphere.

      All the best!

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    2. It's all in interpretation. From your interpretation, MrsAshley, it sounds as though you are able to practice restraint ("Rebecca also says that the Pearl’s encourage striking the kid 8-10 times. The book says 5-10 to be precise. For my toddler I start off soft, not wanting to hurt her, and continue a little harder each time until I can tell I have her attention."), however, many others are not able to use constraint, or they are interpreting the book very differently. Children are dying. Something about this book is not translating well to many parents, and they are turning to abuse. That's just sad. In my humble opinion, striking your children is wrong. Period. It hurts my heart. I could never hurt my children.

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  27. oh wow!! this is crazy!! it's really interesting how there are soo many parenting styles out there. it's soo hard to know what to actually do!

    xo,
    Sandy
    Sandy a la Mode

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    1. Definitely crazy! With so many parenting styles and different family situations, I hesitate to point at any one and announce it's a "bad one." But in this case, I think I can safely say that people need to avoid the Pearl Parenting Method, and have absolutely no guilt about saying that.

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  28. The author's kids turned out great, happy, healthy, and normal. They're a family that grew up laughing together, telling jokes, and trusting each other in all patience and kindness. I think the reviewer of this book misunderstood what the authors' were explaining. Just ask any of they're five kids about spankings, and they can't even remember any. The book is train up a child, not spank up a child, and this very sentence is in the book: train up a child, do not spank up a child. I've used their methods on my first two kiddos, and they are great, helpful, happy, interesting kids...I was lazy on our last and third, and she's very stubborn, and almost got killed running out into the road more times than I can count. Using their methods makes for restful mothers, safe children, and confident families.

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    1. I am happy to hear that the Pearl kids haven't been negatively impacted by the parenting techniques used with them. I'm truly happy for them in that regard.

      However, there have been many documented stories of children hurt or killed because their parents followed this book. A lot of those children are now grown and speaking out about how much harm it did in their young lives.

      If that is not what the Pearl's want or meant, then they need to consider doing some serious editing of their book. While not all parents may go to the extremes of what they recommend in their books (it sounds like you are a well-grounded mom!), there are far too many who read the book and implement it literally.

      I do appreciate you weighing in though. It's important to hear both sides of the conversation.

      All the best,
      Rebecca

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    2. The previous poster is mistaken. They say the kids are fine, the kids claim (in some places, not in others) they don't remember being hit, but if you read much of what they write, it's obvious that they are not even remotely fine or mentally healthy.

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  29. Thank you for sticking through and reading the entire book before posting your review. Too often I get opinions from people about books/movies/people/etc they did not research fully.

    I have to wonder if the author would be happy if his own father were to snap his fingers and expect him to sit on command.

    We cannot force our children into heaven, we can only teach them the best we can, love them the best we can, and pray for God to draw them into His love and grace.

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    1. Bee, you put that perfectly. All we can do is parent them the best we can while praying for God's guidance every day.

      And I hear you on opinions that aren't based on research. That drives me nuts too!

      Delete
  30. Rebecca,
    I appreciate you speaking on this book in such an honest and thorough way, with solid examples. As a parent to five boys I take my role quite seriously {researching, reading, and believing I always have something to learn as a parent}, yet I will never believe that making children feel shamed or guilty, especially when incredibly young and so impressionable is God’s way. I cannot even discuss the physical aspect. The parenting in this book breeds adults who lack self-esteem or the ability to do something because it is right, not out of fear. Children who are more concerned with pleasing people and not wanting to disappoint adults than following their path in Christ. I know because I was brought up with a lot of fear and thirty-six years later am still trying to undo it and change the trajectory and not be a fear-based parent for my children. I love when my boys do something for one another because they WANT to, because they UNDERSTAND it is right, and because it makes them FEEL GOOD. While reasonable and purposeful consequences are necessary they should be used to help our kids understand why something was wrong. When I see my child understand their misstep and what to do better next time I know the consequence was accurate, when I see their fear I know I was the one with the misstep. Following rules must be understood, but there is so much more to it. I am much better with books like The Ministry of Motherhood, Grace Based Parenting, and Love and Logic. Beating a person down to train them up is not in my opinion done in any accord with who Jesus is or what God asks of us as parents. We cannot break the most beautiful part of our children, their spirit. The bible references multiple times on how loving Jesus is toward children and how pure their spirits are in Christ. In this book, I wish parents could see the results of this type of "parenting", living in a dictatorship where the one in control is too drunk on their power and pride and parenting is not a partnership. Yes as some have argued his children may have turned out ok, but we honestly do not know at what expense and what the definition of "ok" is. That could take generations. Our children are gifts from God and we are to bring them up in His image. I want my children to become whom God intended for them to be, ultimately they are His not mine. Your statement about not regarding the feelings or emotions of the child, scares me most , as that is what the enemy would like us to do, to control our children, to instill fear and hatred of who they are, not to teach them how to be like Christ and have Him live in their hearts. I don't want to raise boys who do things out of fear, I want them to live their beautiful lives because of their full confidence in their Heavenly Father. My desire is not to control every aspect of my child, it is to act in self-control as a parent, as the bible calls us to do.

    {The comment from Kez above makes me so sad. That is exactly the danger, this book being taken as larger than the bible and much to literal to those following it).

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    1. Wow, Michelle. Such good points! I think you are spot on with all of this. It's nice to know I have a quad mom friend who feels the same way I do about it!

      (And Kez's comment makes me so sad too...*sigh*)

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    2. As a researcher and developmentalist (one who studies development across the lifespan), I was so shaken and taken aback when I read Pearl's book (and Ezzo's, as well), that I felt compelled to write a book that addresses the negative impacts on infant/child development associated with the "parenting advice" in these two books (To Train Up a Child; Babywise).

      I am a Bible-believing Mom who has raised four sons (who got more than one or two swats in their toddlerhood and childhood....and who today, as grown men, love and serve the Lord), and am now a grandmother. As I tell parents all the time, as parents we are equipped by a loving Heavenly Father with the only two parenting tools we need to successfully raise our children: 1) An innate love and sense of protection for our children (which Pearl and Ezzo encourage parents to ignore); 2) An innate knowing of what OUR children need.

      It is my sincerest prayer that today's parents rely on the only Source they need to successfully raise their children in a complicated, complex, godless society--the Holy Spirit.

      *Trust* your parenting instincts--they are God given!

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  31. We should all speak out against abuse, especially when using God's name as justification. This is child abuse, and children are dying as a result. It makes me both incredibly sad and incredibly furious. My head and my heart tell me (clear as day) that their teachings are wrong. I don't understand how people can hurt their children. Using switches on babies?? Using belts and plumbing tubes on older children?? That is CHILD ABUSE. Sick. And if they disciplined my children in public, I don't know what I would do...I feel my anxiety level growing just thinking about it.

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  32. I read this book forever ago (I read your top 13 posts), and I knew I didn't agree with everything--but I'm a skimmer, so I just throw out what I don't agree with--and I laughed at a couple of things. As far as Barbie dolls go, I said I wasn't going to let my girls have them, but we got the barbie houses for free, so they now have dolls that we got at garage sales. But we sew our own Modest (ugly--but the kids like them) clothes if they don't have them. And my girls still don't know what sex is and they still think kissing is gross, so of course they don't do anything like that! (And my oldest is 11!)

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  33. Like all books, I believe it's important to take the good and leave the bad. Are The Pearls perfect? No. But they do not claim to be.

    All I know is that my marriage has significantly improved since I read 'Created to Be His Help-Meet.' I've only read the first few chapters of 'To Train Up a Child' and so far I have no complaints.


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    1. I pray that your eyes will be opened before it's too late for you and your marriage and your children.

      The Pearls' teachings are toxic. I have read many of their publications - "To Train Up a Child," "Created to Be His Help Meet," part of "Created to Need a Help Meet," & I subscribed to & read "No Greater Joy" for years. I have found no "good" in their teachings.

      Are you aware that children have DIED because their parents were following *exactly* what was taught in TTUAC?

      Love & prayers for you,

      Melinda

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  34. Sadly, I followed the Pearls' teachings - kind of - when my children were young. I was never able to be as hard-hearted and strict as I felt I *should* be, and now I'm SO glad! I deeply regret the "battle of the will" situations I'd get into with my toddlers. :(

    I'm parenting in a more understanding manner now, and my children are MUCH happier! Now they obey because they know WHY it's better (safer, more thoughtful of others, etc.) not because I MAKE them obey.

    -- Lisa Joy

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  35. I would NEVER train any animal the way that book says you should a child!! Thank you for this overview I could force myself to read more than a chapter. This book should be banned!

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