I've done a lot of praying about what to say
about this book. My initial concern was expressing my opinion and making a
bunch of you upset. But honestly, after spending all month reading the book,
researching information about the book and the authors, watching online
interviews with Michael Pearl, and praying a lot about it, I feel like I need
to come right out with my thoughts.
For those of you who are not familiar with To Train Up a Child, it is a parenting
book that was written in 1994. It has been widely read and translated into
different languages, as well as developed a very loyal following particularly
in fundamentalist Christian circles. At the same time, it has also attracted
some very outspoken critics from Christian circles. It made me curious to see
why it’s so divisive.
First of all, the book is an easy read as it
goes. There are no difficult words, and the chapters are broken into sections
that make it easy to stop partway through a chapter if necessary. Very handy. I
think the ease of reading has definitely contributed to its widespread appeal.
I could beat around the bush, but let’s just get
down to it: The content of the book was, to put it bluntly, very disturbing. It
took me three attempts to get through it, but each time I thought about
stopping, I felt that I needed to actually finish if I wanted an informed
opinion. That, and I kept hoping that it would redeem itself. It was extremely
difficult for me to wade through it as I kept having panic attacks. I'm talking
full out heart-racing, pulse rising, panic attacks. I usually read right before
bed as a way to wind down, but I got to the point where I could only read this
book for twenty minutes or so before I had to put it away. There were a lot of
late nights as I just couldn't get the content out of head. It did the exact opposite
of winding me down.
The book focuses on the methodology of how to
discipline a child into total and unequivocal submission, or as Pearl likes to
put it, breaking the will and the spirit of the child. It would take me quite a
bit of space to outline everything that I had issues with in the book, so
instead, I’ll just hit on the highlights…if you can call them that.
- "A
child can be turned back from the road to hell through proper spankings. (p.46)”
While it’s true that my
husband and I swat our kids, we do it entirely different than anything this guy
writes in his book. I think there is a place for spankings (licking outlets,
dancing on coffee tables, running into the street, inflicting bodily harm on a
sibling, etc), but this guy goes WAY too far. Like so far that I can’t even put
his spankings in the same camp with our spankings.
- “If
you have to sit on him to spank him, then do not hesitate…Hold the resisting
child in a helpless position for several minutes, or until he is totally
surrendered (p.49)”
Okay, first of all….what?!?! Sit on your child? The guy is recommending taking
your full adult body and planting it on the kid while you strike him/her eight
to ten times with a rod. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
- He
flat out states that both he and his wife discipline other kids they come
across, in front of the child’s parents, without asking for permission. (p.56) FYI, don’t ever try to discipline my child in
front of me without my permission. If you have a problem with him/her, feel
free to clue me in. I’m happy to listen and help my kids adjust their behavior
to your house rules, but don’t try to be a better parent to my kids than I am.
That isn’t your place.
- He
cautions wives not to discuss the husband’s discipline techniques with him even
if she thinks it’s getting out of hand. Instead, she should just teach the kids
to avoid getting spanked. (p.58) That sounds like a great way to teach kids to fear their dad, and
for wives to become a doormat in their marital relationship. There is clearly
no partnership here, and I can easily see this becoming an abusive situation.
- He
goes through the book referring to moms who don’t follow his parenting advice
as “guilty mothers. (p.59)” I beg to differ. I do the very best I can as a mother, and don’t
feel guilty at all for not sitting on my kids or whipping my one year old eight
to ten times with a piece of plumber’s supply line (Again, couldn’t make this
stuff up if I tried.)
- “If
you have duties outside the home that prevent you from properly rearing your
children, give your duties back to the Devil. (p.63)” He underlined it in the book for extra
emphasis. You know what? It’s probably those guilty mothers who aren’t
following his parenting techniques that are having these issues anyway. In case
you hadn’t figured it out yet, he thinks that all moms should not work outside
the home without taking into consideration that some families have differing
needs.
- “All
children’s dolls should be BABY dolls, not “Barbie” dolls. The fantasy arising
from playing with baby dolls causes the child to role-play mother. The fantasy
arising from Barbie dolls causes a child to role-play a porno queen. (p.65)” Again, his emphasis. Really? I played with
Barbie dolls while growing up, and I can say without a doubt that I’ve never
role-played as a porno queen. Actually…this quote just makes me laugh! It’s so
far out of right field, I can’t even believe it.
- “Even
today, without looking at the children, I can snap my finger, pointing to the
floor, and they all (including the ones over six-feet) immediately sit. (p.72)” I guess don’t understand why he
can’t make eye contact and ask nicely? How sad that his full grown adult
children are so conditioned to be treated like animals that they don’t even
question it. And yes, in his interview with Anderson Cooper, he said that
children and animals have to be
trained the same way.
- "If
a parent starts at infancy, discouraging the first crying demands, the child
will never develop the habit. (p. 84)” and “If he is old enough to pitch a fit, he is old enough to be switched.
(p.83) Crying is how infants communicate. By taking that away, he is
already forcing them into an emotionless existence. Also, I fear for the
children with sensory issues who have been spanked repeatedly for things that
they simply can’t help. Our Ellie cried a ton when she was an infant, but it
was because she had specific sensory issues. Under Pearl’s instruction, Ellie
should have been spanked for that. And that makes me angry.
- “When
little children are cute in their prayers or religious imitations, they should
be totally ignored. (p.99)” That’s just absurd. Cut the four-year-old some slack! He is still
learning how to talk to God (aren’t we all??)!
- In
his chapter, Homeschool Makes No Fools, he says, “Never even consider sending
your children to private Christian schools, much less the public, automation
factories. (p.101)” He goes on to say in that chapter, “…if you want a son or daughter
of God, you will have to do it God’s way and in God’s choice of location—the home.
(p.102)” For the record, I’ve
come across plenty of foolish homeschoolers, so I took issue with the title
immediately. I, myself, was homeschooled, and statements like this just
embarrass the heck out of me. No wonder the world at large thinks that
homeschoolers are a bunch of half-wits! For the record, I haven’t seen anything
in the Bible which says not to go to public or private school. For this man to
announce what God wants when there is no scripture to back it up is outright
arrogant. Plus, my hubby went to public and private school, and I hardly think
he was going against God’s way.
I think, though, that the most disturbing thing
(beyond sitting on a child) is his
complete disregard for the feelings and emotions of children. With his
parenting techniques, children have to remain emotionless for it to work. They
literally aren’t allowed to have any feelings except to show the “happy
Christian” face that we’ve come to find in so many churches across the country.
And lest you think that people won’t take him
literally, I have to disagree with that. Pearl assumes that his readers will
literally follow every step he has outlined. He tells a story on page 88 about
a discipline issue at church and says, “the
church was having dinner on the grounds (This is not eating off the ground. It
is eating together outdoors.)” I like to think that most people would
understand the way that “grounds” is used in this context without further
explanation, but clearly he thinks and expects everyone to take his writing
literally. Again, I think back to his instruction to sit on a child…
The book was so authoritarian that I started
taking notes about a third of the way through it. I wish I had started sooner.
There was so much more in this book that should make the list above, but due to
space constraints I’m going to stop here. However, I think the above quotes
pretty accurately reflect on the book as a whole. He never allows room for
discussion or disagreement in the book, but rather commands his way through it
as the only right way. Without any hesitation, he twists scripture to support
his own twisted logic. He even goes so far as to call himself a “benevolent
dictator.” I’m always so careful with wanting complete context surrounding a
quote, but I promise you, with Pearl writing this literally, you have all of
the context you need to know that this book needs to be avoided.
This book is a perfect recipe for physical and
emotional abuse under the guise of raising good Christian children. Will you
raise outwardly good Christian children using this method? Undoubtedly, because
they will be so terrified and so conditioned that they won’t be able to do
anything else. There is no room for grace, individual situations,
personalities, or childish explorations with this method. That is very sad
indeed.
Let me end with this though: This book was
recommended and lent to me by a very dear friend of mine. I know for a fact
that she is a great parent and thankfully doesn't use this book the way it was
written. I greatly respect her, her husband, and the adorable family that they
are raising together. I know that I have some readers who use this book because
of how prevalent it is in some Christian circles. Far from telling someone how
to parent, I'm simply asking that you examine your techniques and make sure
that they do indeed line up with scripture and aren't a bunch of rules that a
man has made. Ultimately, as parents, we are held accountable to God for how we
choose to raise our kids. Sean and I aren't perfect and make mistakes every
day, but I hope that by praying we can avoid some of the very dangerous
pitfalls that books like this recommend.
I've done a lot of praying about what to say
about this book. My initial concern was expressing my opinion and making a
bunch of you upset. But honestly, after spending all month reading the book,
researching information about the book and the authors, watching online
interviews with Michael Pearl, and praying a lot about it, I feel like I need
to come right out with my thoughts.
For those of you who are not familiar with To Train Up a Child, it is a parenting
book that was written in 1994. It has been widely read and translated into
different languages, as well as developed a very loyal following particularly
in fundamentalist Christian circles. At the same time, it has also attracted
some very outspoken critics from Christian circles. It made me curious to see
why it’s so divisive.
First of all, the book is an easy read as it
goes. There are no difficult words, and the chapters are broken into sections
that make it easy to stop partway through a chapter if necessary. Very handy. I
think the ease of reading has definitely contributed to its widespread appeal.
I could beat around the bush, but let’s just get
down to it: The content of the book was, to put it bluntly, very disturbing. It
took me three attempts to get through it, but each time I thought about
stopping, I felt that I needed to actually finish if I wanted an informed
opinion. That, and I kept hoping that it would redeem itself. It was extremely
difficult for me to wade through it as I kept having panic attacks. I'm talking
full out heart-racing, pulse rising, panic attacks. I usually read right before
bed as a way to wind down, but I got to the point where I could only read this
book for twenty minutes or so before I had to put it away. There were a lot of
late nights as I just couldn't get the content out of head. It did the exact opposite
of winding me down.
The book focuses on the methodology of how to
discipline a child into total and unequivocal submission, or as Pearl likes to
put it, breaking the will and the spirit of the child. It would take me quite a
bit of space to outline everything that I had issues with in the book, so
instead, I’ll just hit on the highlights…if you can call them that.
- "A
child can be turned back from the road to hell through proper spankings. (p.46)”
While it’s true that my
husband and I swat our kids, we do it entirely different than anything this guy
writes in his book. I think there is a place for spankings (licking outlets,
dancing on coffee tables, running into the street, inflicting bodily harm on a
sibling, etc), but this guy goes WAY too far. Like so far that I can’t even put
his spankings in the same camp with our spankings.
- “If
you have to sit on him to spank him, then do not hesitate…Hold the resisting
child in a helpless position for several minutes, or until he is totally
surrendered (p.49)”
Okay, first of all….what?!?! Sit on your child? The guy is recommending taking
your full adult body and planting it on the kid while you strike him/her eight
to ten times with a rod. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
- He
flat out states that both he and his wife discipline other kids they come
across, in front of the child’s parents, without asking for permission. (p.56) FYI, don’t ever try to discipline my child in
front of me without my permission. If you have a problem with him/her, feel
free to clue me in. I’m happy to listen and help my kids adjust their behavior
to your house rules, but don’t try to be a better parent to my kids than I am.
That isn’t your place.
- He
cautions wives not to discuss the husband’s discipline techniques with him even
if she thinks it’s getting out of hand. Instead, she should just teach the kids
to avoid getting spanked. (p.58) That sounds like a great way to teach kids to fear their dad, and
for wives to become a doormat in their marital relationship. There is clearly
no partnership here, and I can easily see this becoming an abusive situation.
- He
goes through the book referring to moms who don’t follow his parenting advice
as “guilty mothers. (p.59)” I beg to differ. I do the very best I can as a mother, and don’t
feel guilty at all for not sitting on my kids or whipping my one year old eight
to ten times with a piece of plumber’s supply line (Again, couldn’t make this
stuff up if I tried.)
- “If
you have duties outside the home that prevent you from properly rearing your
children, give your duties back to the Devil. (p.63)” He underlined it in the book for extra
emphasis. You know what? It’s probably those guilty mothers who aren’t
following his parenting techniques that are having these issues anyway. In case
you hadn’t figured it out yet, he thinks that all moms should not work outside
the home without taking into consideration that some families have differing
needs.
- “All
children’s dolls should be BABY dolls, not “Barbie” dolls. The fantasy arising
from playing with baby dolls causes the child to role-play mother. The fantasy
arising from Barbie dolls causes a child to role-play a porno queen. (p.65)” Again, his emphasis. Really? I played with
Barbie dolls while growing up, and I can say without a doubt that I’ve never
role-played as a porno queen. Actually…this quote just makes me laugh! It’s so
far out of right field, I can’t even believe it.
- “Even
today, without looking at the children, I can snap my finger, pointing to the
floor, and they all (including the ones over six-feet) immediately sit. (p.72)” I guess don’t understand why he
can’t make eye contact and ask nicely? How sad that his full grown adult
children are so conditioned to be treated like animals that they don’t even
question it. And yes, in his interview with Anderson Cooper, he said that
children and animals have to be
trained the same way.
- "If
a parent starts at infancy, discouraging the first crying demands, the child
will never develop the habit. (p. 84)” and “If he is old enough to pitch a fit, he is old enough to be switched.
(p.83) Crying is how infants communicate. By taking that away, he is
already forcing them into an emotionless existence. Also, I fear for the
children with sensory issues who have been spanked repeatedly for things that
they simply can’t help. Our Ellie cried a ton when she was an infant, but it
was because she had specific sensory issues. Under Pearl’s instruction, Ellie
should have been spanked for that. And that makes me angry.
- “When
little children are cute in their prayers or religious imitations, they should
be totally ignored. (p.99)” That’s just absurd. Cut the four-year-old some slack! He is still
learning how to talk to God (aren’t we all??)!
- In
his chapter, Homeschool Makes No Fools, he says, “Never even consider sending
your children to private Christian schools, much less the public, automation
factories. (p.101)” He goes on to say in that chapter, “…if you want a son or daughter
of God, you will have to do it God’s way and in God’s choice of location—the home.
(p.102)” For the record, I’ve
come across plenty of foolish homeschoolers, so I took issue with the title
immediately. I, myself, was homeschooled, and statements like this just
embarrass the heck out of me. No wonder the world at large thinks that
homeschoolers are a bunch of half-wits! For the record, I haven’t seen anything
in the Bible which says not to go to public or private school. For this man to
announce what God wants when there is no scripture to back it up is outright
arrogant. Plus, my hubby went to public and private school, and I hardly think
he was going against God’s way.
I think, though, that the most disturbing thing
(beyond sitting on a child) is his
complete disregard for the feelings and emotions of children. With his
parenting techniques, children have to remain emotionless for it to work. They
literally aren’t allowed to have any feelings except to show the “happy
Christian” face that we’ve come to find in so many churches across the country.
And lest you think that people won’t take him
literally, I have to disagree with that. Pearl assumes that his readers will
literally follow every step he has outlined. He tells a story on page 88 about
a discipline issue at church and says, “the
church was having dinner on the grounds (This is not eating off the ground. It
is eating together outdoors.)” I like to think that most people would
understand the way that “grounds” is used in this context without further
explanation, but clearly he thinks and expects everyone to take his writing
literally. Again, I think back to his instruction to sit on a child…
The book was so authoritarian that I started
taking notes about a third of the way through it. I wish I had started sooner.
There was so much more in this book that should make the list above, but due to
space constraints I’m going to stop here. However, I think the above quotes
pretty accurately reflect on the book as a whole. He never allows room for
discussion or disagreement in the book, but rather commands his way through it
as the only right way. Without any hesitation, he twists scripture to support
his own twisted logic. He even goes so far as to call himself a “benevolent
dictator.” I’m always so careful with wanting complete context surrounding a
quote, but I promise you, with Pearl writing this literally, you have all of
the context you need to know that this book needs to be avoided.
This book is a perfect recipe for physical and
emotional abuse under the guise of raising good Christian children. Will you
raise outwardly good Christian children using this method? Undoubtedly, because
they will be so terrified and so conditioned that they won’t be able to do
anything else. There is no room for grace, individual situations,
personalities, or childish explorations with this method. That is very sad
indeed.
Let me end with this though: This book was
recommended and lent to me by a very dear friend of mine. I know for a fact
that she is a great parent and thankfully doesn't use this book the way it was
written. I greatly respect her, her husband, and the adorable family that they
are raising together. I know that I have some readers who use this book because
of how prevalent it is in some Christian circles. Far from telling someone how
to parent, I'm simply asking that you examine your techniques and make sure
that they do indeed line up with scripture and aren't a bunch of rules that a
man has made. Ultimately, as parents, we are held accountable to God for how we
choose to raise our kids. Sean and I aren't perfect and make mistakes every
day, but I hope that by praying we can avoid some of the very dangerous
pitfalls that books like this recommend.
